Things that Grind my gears #6

I think this is the worst offender so far.

the most irritating thing of late is that we have found this lovely little eatery in my neighborhood that makes great food, great atmosphere and its easy on the pocket book. What I don't like is paying to hear this one woman who sits wayyyyyyyy over on the other side of the restaurant talking to some person at the next table. She has one level of intonation - loud. We all get to hear her share what she and Joe did that day in painful detail.

We now have made a habit of walking into the restaurant, taken a look around to make sure said loud lady is not in residence and if she is we leave. I've been tempted to give my cellphone number to the nice server there to call us when the lady leaves.

Some people are loud occasionally and thats okay. Loud talkers that are in love with themselves and their voices need to experience some time out in public places.

Why can't I just go up to her and ask her to "shut the F!!! up" nicely of course.

More signs your Mom is becoming a Desperate Housewife #3

Back again for another monthly chuckle at that Crafty Desperate Housewife.

If you haven't read the posts before, here are some signs that your Mother might be on her way to becoming a Desperate Housewife.



You bring your new sweetheart home after school to do a little light studying in the dining room. You walk in expecting quiet tranquility only to discover while you have been at school all day, mom has been busy on yet another one of her 'recycle' projects.

She excitedly shows your sweetie how the milk jugs have been converted to light up the room adding ambiance or for some a need for the other milk. Milk of magnesia.


You decide to raid the fridge for a few necessary snacks while studying.

Mom has been busy again raiding the neighbourhood recycling bins to make these magnet gems. Groceries are usually found on the 'inside' of the fridge but not in your house.




In trying to foster a little togetherness with your Dad, mom has created something special to attend the guns and ammo show at the exhibition Centre this week.

Her own machine gun annie version purse complete with a slot for the cellphone where the ammo catridge should go. (I think).





To surprise Dad this year for Christmas, Mom pulled out all the stops. She's been working hard on his snowmobile helmet. Its only June but its never too early to start getting into the swing of Christmas when you are becoming an ever more desperate housewife.


Dad is going to be speechless about the changes to his helmet.






If the above evidence hasn't been enough to convince you of your mom's looming condition.

She's started cozi'ng the neighbourhood.

Desperation is not far off now.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Instead call a strippergram for your mom.... NOW!

Things that Grind my gears #5

Well today.... what really grinds my gears is going to a web page and there is a big flashy message telling me two of my contacts have a crush on me.

First of all I get quickly psyched. Yes I momentarily fall for it... just a little...

It makes me curious... well who might have a crush one me??? Hello I've been married for 15 years who cares right... well for the ego its kinda cool.

Of course its an add not directed at me but for one millisecond I kinda want to push that button.

So lets say this certain page does know its me coming to look up spools of thread (boy they are better than Kresgin) and they just happen to know that a certain someone has been Blogging in Draft how much they ache to tell me they are so into 'me'.
Do I really want to know? What if its my best friend opposite sex. That would make for some tense uncomfortable times the next time we see each other. Hey there Bob the reason your my best friend and not my lover is because well... you just don't do it for me that way. Even worse would be my friend of my own gender. I have no problem with people's sexuality but for how much I don't want to have naughty thoughts about the platonic men in my life, its 10 times more to the extreme that I don't want to have those thoughts about my girls.

One of these days I'll press that button though, I'll be fed up and just go to the link. Kill the curiosity for once and for all.

Still for the Ego - its nice to know even for a millisecond that maybe someone likes me... I mean they really REALLY like me.

Cheers

Fangs alot sis

A while ago I had posted a story about my lovely sister Fang. Although there was a huge age difference between us as children we both are grown adults now with kids of our own and get some laughs out of the old days. Water under the bridge and fodder for the Blog.

Recap - Fang was a tattle tale, tag along young sister who always seemed to be getting her self into situations by messing with me at the wrong place and time.

Why do I call her Fang. From about the age of 5 she started to develop these lovely pearly white incisors that hung a little bit over her lip. She had a bit of an overbit that was later corrected with expensive dentistry to create the most beautiful smile but at the time in my impatience with her and the need to label she was simply Fang. I knew she hated it and it was delicious.

For the record I have and still do HATE dolls. They creep me way out with their beedy little blinky eyes and the way the follow you with their eyes no matter where you are in the room. This is before Chucky but chills go up my spine none the less.

For Christmas one year my sister got a Cabbage Patch Doll. This thing is ugly as sin but as Bloggers and readers may well remember the need to get a Cabbage Patch Doll created riots among perfectly nice housewifes and also a Toy Black Market for the little creatures. If you were lucky enough to have had a loved one beat off a kindly Grandma to get you that doll, you were one of the lucky ones. Many kids went without little adoption papers that Christmas. My mom and Aunt must have had a game plan and wore protective equipment to get ...ugh.... Katie at Stedmans.

Katie made her debut Christmas morning at the same time I was unwrapping my prized Back in Black AC/DC album. I could care less about her crappy doll. Ugh another one oh well lets play this little treasure and watch the parents faces. I still remember that scratchy needle sound just before the church bells started to ding. I think my mother might have said oh choir music how lovely before her jaw dropped to Hells Bells. Priceless. Okay back to Katie.

This thing had brown yarn hair and an overbite that far surpassed Fangs. No teeth showing though. The difference between all the other dolls and this one though is that Katie developed a personality. She "talked" through my sister in a really whiny snitty voice. And Katie.... like to talk to Auntie RLHCopper... a Lot.

I put up with that little demon spawn all winter.... all spring.... all summer in the boat and at the cottage.... but ....somewhere on the Interstate I75 on the way to Florida that late Fall I had had enough of Katie yapping on and on about 'anything' in that voice.

I don't know how my parents tolerated that 'talking' doll at that time and to this day I think they secretly thanked me for what I did next.

Katie kept talking to me. She kept nudging over on to my side of the car. That little arm rest that went down in our 77 Tornado was supposed to be a clear dividing line about space but no - Katie did not have space issues. She created space issues. Very calmly and I think this might have been Tennessee or Kentucky because we were in the mountains, I started to press the button to bring the window down. It was locked.

Dad can you give me some air... I feel sick. Dad who was used to me feeling and ... getting sick was quick to unlock the power windows from the front and let me bring the window down.

In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Houston we have lift off... I grabbed Katie from my sister and threw her out of the window in a beautiful arch that landed her right in the meridian of 8 lane traffic. It was worth the punishment I got. It was delicious in those moments to watch Katie fly across traffic, doging cars and trucks and my sister was....silent.

That my friend is American Beauty - not a shopping bag in floating on air current. Nope its an ugly talking Cabbage Patch Doll going for her first flight.

Dad pulled over and my poor mother had to dodge traffic to get Katie back. Katie however did not come back into the car. Instead she went into the trunk. Katie was only allowed out at bedtime and she had to be quiet.

I lost my Walkman.... oh well. I lost my soap opera privlidges -oh well I found out from Friends about Roman and Marlena's wedding (the first one back in 1982 or so.... I had beach time,,,, and no Katie.

Things that Grind my gears #4

Line hoppers really make me steam.

Its that sense of entitlement that I think gets me completely. I think most people have been in a line at a store and just chuckle if a small child jumps to the front of the que. They have no concept for waiting their turn.

Some people never do learn to wait their turn.

There are two parties in this group that will create a tight grimace on my face. The people that walk in the middle of two defined lines and walk right up to the cashier to have their order taken. I have been pleased more then once when an aware attendant has sent that person packing to the back of the line but for the most part this does not happen.

The other party that should get the big boot to the ass though is the co-conspirator. We've all been here. We have so many minutes to dash out grab a quick coffee and get back to our desk. Some schlub in front of you suddenly see's their friend walk into the store and waves them over. Hey bud in behind me, its totally cool or... what are you ordering I'll get it for you. We've all seen it and maybe we've all been guilty of this but come on... we all had to wait our turn... what makes Dude so special?

Why am I talking about this today... well this very situation happened only "Dude" had a list from his co-workers of 15 coffee's.

I think I might re-join the coffee club at work. So some people make tea coloured coffee and others can strip paint with theirs... its probably better for my blood pressure.

Things that Grind my gears #3

The next person who jams the photocopier and then walks away leaving a big mess is going to get hurt real bad... in my mind anyways.

I have to ask... why do people do this. You jam it, you follow the pictures, pull out the paper from said doors and viola you are back in business.

What is going to happen when the day comes and the "someone else can fix it" person doesn't come to work.

Oh my god the day is over. Work will stop, people will hover in the halls looking off in the distance for that person to come but never making contact with another because that would mean co-ownership.

I think these people are the same people that had their mom's clean their room. Part of them is still a slack ass teenager at heart.

Things that Grind my gears #2

Again with the work theme:

Time suckers... part duh.

There is a lovely young lady at work that is totally in love with her little girl. Trust me, EVERYONE knows about this because that is ALL we hear.

I have a great rapport with my co-workers and we talk about a wide range of topics throughout the day... while still doing our work.

This little lady doesn't start work by booting up her computer, oh no that would be 'productive'. This little lady comes in at 815 everymorning and shares the cutest thing her daughter did with at least 3 different offices...

I like the girl don't get me wrong. I also like kids. This gear grinding thing is possibly making me out to be a kurmudgeon but seriously can't people work and share??? My time is extremely valuable and I try to maximize every minute I have.

Stopping to talk to you about the same thing everyday... really grinds my gears. If you stopped me to discuss the price at the pumps or some jack off cut you off you'd have my ears. To hear that precious blew bubbles even bigger then yesterday... that news you should save for her Grandma.

More signs your Mom is becoming a Desperate Housewife

Earlier this year I started a little series "Signs Your Mom is Becoming a Desperate Housewife"
I couldn't stop at just one. This is way too much fun.



To commemorate you passing your Grade 10 Biology Class she re-enacts the dissection of a frog using felt pieces.

Its pretty life like except for the formaldehyde which is good because that smell nearly made you loose your breakfast.






You come home from school and see your Grandparents old tv sitting in the living room. It looks like a puppet theatre for your little sister but no... its a hands on bar for her ladies bridge afternoons.

You are a little peturbed by this because the picture was still good enough to play your Dad's old Commador 64 games on.
Bummer.




You decide you are going to earn that Abercrombie and Fitch Hoodie you have been yearning for by helping your mom do the groceries. Its the least you can do. You don't have to lift a finger around the house.

All is going well until your mom decides to use up some of her spare change at the cash. She pulls out of her quilted patchwork purse her latest endeavour, a cassette tape change purse. The tape was no longer working but it had some good memories associated with it - why let it go to waste. The hottest kid in your class happens to be your cashier - yep you've earned your hoodie all right.


Now that Mom has every thing in the house that isn't attached cozie'd. Her latest project is uberwear for all the loose cords in the house.




There is a solution.

Buy her tickets to the ladies only Fireman's ball. Quickly.


*Housewives are important. But this is fun.

The Office Sneeze

There are two very nice people in my office that from time to time I want to take out and give them a face wash in the snowbank.

They have awful sneezes.

Everyone sneezes. You hear it all day long but these two grate on my nerves.

The first one is a lovely lady that actually squeaks like a mouse when she sneezes. SQUEAK! Just one. I've never actually heard her have multiple squeaks. Its over the top girly. She's a very prim and proper type of person - shes in Quality Assurance so it goes with the personality.

The last sneeze I heard yesterday I looked over at my co-worker who has a mind just like mine (god love her) and said...
"can you imagine if that is her Big sneeze what her big "O" must be like" I know inappropriate but that is moi.
I just can't imagine when she attempts such a lady like sneeze that she would be over the top "Oh God! Yes! Yes! Oooooooo!"

Nope it would be "o"

Then there is the dude. Nice guy but man he needs a total snowbank face wash. A few weeks ago on Oprah or the View ...one of those shows... they had a nasal channeler where you totally rinse out your clogged up nose. I would like to send him for further product testing of this product.

He doesn't actually sneeze. He in fact does not sneeze. It would probably create an explosion.

He honks.

He blows his nose and it sounds like an elephant is honking. He does this until the culprit from his lungs, no doubt, is dislodged.

Place your hands in a teepee and cup them over your nose and mouth.
Now make a sounds like you are giving a kid a giant zerpert (raspberry) on their belly. Hear how its channeled through your hands so its subdued but amplified at the same time....

Yeah he needs to be told.

How do you tell him without embarrasing both of you that his snorts are like fingernails on a chalkboard.

I'm thankful I can close my office door when he gets bad. He is out in the prarie pen of cubicles and his co-workers must just Looooove him.

I'm thinking anonymous note on the nasal draining gift.... get a clue dude.

Jelly jelly bo belly

I just had a flashback to 1984. I had to have these shoes. I bugged and bugged and then when we made a winter visit to Florida I managed to pick up a clear pair of these shoes at Target.

Biggest mistake I ever made in the fashion world of the 80s.

Worse then my dusty pink leg warmers, worse then my lace ode to Madonna material girl gloves, worse then lumber jackets in red plaid.

I worse these babies out of the store and was thrilled with finally owning a pair. I'd be the first in my group who all covetted the shoes that were jelly.

Within an hour my feet hurt. It was 80 degrees and humid. My feet swelled and all the little plastic lines on those shoes molded my feet into an interesting looking sculpture. Kinda like your face looks like after a night on a punched up pillow.
They also didn't breath so my feet on the inside were getting slimy and hot. When I finally took my shoes off gladly after a 2 hour walk back along the beach walkway to our hotel room my feet reeked. It was the nastiest smell that has ever come off my body - worse than fart.

It was bad. Of course, I couldn't let my parents know how much I now hated these shoes. I didn't want to get a told you so and if I coveted another item at a later time it would be game over in the "please, please, please I'll just die" round of getting what I THOUGHT I wanted.

Also please note the heels on these shoes.

I had to buy $500 orthodic inserts a few years ago because of a heel spur... I now believe these heels were the direct culprit to later years of pain. Walking should never be taken for granted but when you are a frivolous teenager footwear is about being cute - not smart.

If you see heels like these on any pair of shoes - DO NOT BUY.

So dear readers if you have never had the pleasure of wearing jelly shoes - trust me - you dont' want to go there. Not just for the pain ... the smell.

My sister Fang

There was a huge age difference between my sister and I growing up. I was older by her by 7 years and we had nothing in common except for the fact that she liked to follow me everywhere, copy everything I did and tell on me when the moment was right.... which was often. Don't get me wrong, there is no ill will towards Fang. She was just being a kid and kids love to tell their mothers what they saw and did that day. Out of the mouths of Fangs.

Why do I call her Fang. From about the age of 5 she started to develop these lovely pearly white incisors that hung a little bit over her lip. She had a bit of an overbit that was later corrected with expensive dentistry to create the most beautiful smile but at the time in my impatience with her and the need to label she was simply Fang. I knew she hated it and it was delicious.

Fang is scarred for life because of me.

I didn't do it on purpose - honest. She holds it over me to this day.

In our basement that was still relatively unfinished we had a lumpy bumpy old couch that was awesome to bounce on. I had my pal over one day who was the best tree climber I had ever met - and probably still is but Mato was raring to bounce. She had seen me in action and wanted to try something out she had seen on a trampoline by her older brothers.

I got on the one end and started to give a few good bounces. The couch was giving a lovely creaky noise that just added to our amusement (we were kids, we had not yet been introduced ot Porkys or the like of that thought process). Mato counted down the bounces and then hopped on herself opposite to my bounce. We really had the couch rocking then. Each bounce the other gave seemed to give the other one more lift. At the most inopportune moment Fang comes rushing into the room with her creepy doll Susie and sees us bouncing. Her eyes glittered with consipiracy and without a warning she was up in the middle of the couch and just like that back down on the unfinished cement floor on her head.

Mato and I stopped immediately. We were scared! Fang was letting out the most horrid of screams, the type that curl your toes. Come to think of it she could give Jamie Lee Curtis a run for her money.

My mother rushed in and saw the two of us looking as guilty as hell and Fang on the floor holding her now bleeding forehead while continuing to scream. Well the simplest of solutions happened very quickly after that.

I got sent to my room.
Mato got sent home.
Fang was whisked away to the hospital to come back a few hours later with a new ugly creepy doll, a popsicle and 4 stitches on her forehead.
The couch was pulled out to the curb much to my dismay, and it was gone on garbage day.

Fang knows how to ruin a good time - at least in the past she did. I'm still a little bitter that Mom wouldn't listen to reason about the couch. No questions asked - I was guilty by visual evidence alone. I wished Columbo (who I don't think was around in TV land yet) would come around and investigate to vindicate me and the couch. Fang came to her own forehead demise by her own actions.

On a cool aside its neat about the human head. Today Fang's scar is still on her head but it has somehow travelled to the back of her skull. Fang is kinda witchy.

Fang continued to mess up my cool childhood adventures like the time she got that stupid Cabbage Patch Doll... but that will have to wait for another time

New Popsicle flavour

Stores really need to think about how they are abbreviating their product codes.

My co-worker was looking over her receipt from an errand and started laughing.

She didn't realize she bought Ass popsicles.

So was a focus group sitting around thinking of new flavours? What haven't we covered lately. Is there a market we can corner? Keen intern looks up from taking scrupulous notes. "oh I know... I love licking ass but its a bit hot and sweaty in the summer. If we could get a summer flavour this would sell well in the 25 to 55 gay male market."

Of course the store meant Assorted Popsicles which is hilarious for me.

Things that Grind my gears

I have no use for time suckers at work.

There is a time and a place for fun at work but some of the chit chat that goes on is mind boggling. One of our managers is the worst offender.

This lovely lady comes in fashionably late, leaves early and takes 2 hour lunches. Fine - her time not mine no biggie. What drives me nuts is when she does eventually stroll into work she visits before she puts a foot in her office. Its shoes its dogs. One day my office partner timed her. She stood at another co-workers door for an hour and 20 minutes talking about their dogs.

Okay big deal but its the door way chit chat that pisses me off. I believe in an open door policy for my group and half the time I have to close my door to hear myself think.

I don't care about your shoes, your dogs (I like dogs), your latest purchase after a 2 hour lunch of shopping.

And then she wonders at 330 where the days has gone. The sad thing is she doesn't realize what a time sucker she is.

Blow up doll for jr

You wouldn't necessarily expect blowup dolls in the children's toy section of Zellars but then we'd be wrong.

Browsing about while the kids looked for ways to blow their allowance the fastest I came across this 'interesting' looking toy.

First look you're thinking how rude right? That was my thought exactly.
It looks phallic.

Whats more they want you to actually place your lips over this uncircumcised end of the toy.... and blow.

Someone has a sick mind. But....

...when blown up its actually kind of cool. My husband had no problem wrapping his lips around this toy and letting loose.

It makes a rude noise when deflating too. We didn't let it go but I can imagine it flies all over the place like a balloon.

The phallic thing is still disturbing but I guess its better blowing at the 'mouth' end then the 'tail' end.

I think a 7 year old boy would think this is the coolest toy. Great to gross out and impress his friends but still has the innocence (hopefully) to not realize how dirty this toy is.

Okay so its my sick mind.

So you are wondering where you can get one right.

I'm sure if they are in Zellars in Canada, then they are probably in Target or K-Mart in the US.

They are called Punchball Critters.

So buy one, blow them up if you can keep from giggling and punch away.

Fantasy room

This winter season of Big Brother 9 was different to say the least but what thrilled me to bits about the 'house's' set up was the new room.

Here is a girls dream room next to a room filled with shoes.

Never mind the sauna, never mind the massage table.

Feast your eyes on the wall of nail polishes. A room just for girly pampering is right up my alley.


On a side note - I'm disappointed that Joshy didn't win :(

Weird Names to live under

My father was born in an odd named little village but he was also surrounded by odd sounding names for family members, by today's standards.
Birth place - Ardbeg Canada. Relative names - Rufus, Burley, Melville, Herman, Marcus, Samuel. Very stoic sounding names. I always chuckled over Ardbeg, the way the syllables rolled off my tongue as I said it.

As my world expanded so did the list of names out there that I have been fortunate enough not to have cheques printed up with these addresses.

Flushing, NY
French Lick, Indiana
Blue Balls, Pennsylvania
Tittybong, Australia
Climax, North Carolina
Bastard, ON
Dildo, Newfound Land
Sugar Tit, South Carolina
Cumming, Georgia
Kiester, Minnesota
Nimrod, Minnesota
Disco, Michigan
Fuk Man Road, Hong Kong China
Crackpot, UK
Cooter, Missouri
Tightwad, Missouri
Colon, Michigan
Noodle, Texas
Bippus, Indiana
Chicken, Alaska
Dick Lick Springs, Arkansas
Experiment, Georgia
Meat Cove, Nova Scotia
Nameless, Texas

Boring Maryland - think of National Lampoons Vegas Vacation with the Dam tour guide only now think of the poor tour guide in Boring. Now to be just a little bit more devilish - the tour guide has Ben Steins flat voice from Ferris Buellers Day off.
"Welcome to Boring Maryland. This is your Boring tour. On the left please note the Boring Playhouse where member of Boring purvey their Boring acting skills. Over here on the right you will find the Boring Court house and Boring jail where... you guessed it.... nothing happened." Talk about an uphill battle for job satisfaction for that poor duff.

The best one though is without a doubt

Fucking - Austria

Remember kids - safety first.

Come on down to the Fucking Festival.

Back Door Guests are Always Best....

I couldn't believe my eyes when I came across this little country kitchen craft jem.

I'm kicking myself for not buying it. I should have bought if for the inlaws. They'd have no idea what the connotation is and the looks their guests would give them would be priceless.

My friend also said I should have got it for him for his condo door. He's competing against a sea of flower wreathes and this screams him :) Sorry Bud.

Great coffee sleeve

I am so guilty of asking for a double cup at my local coffee chain.

The thin paper burns my fingers and some places don't offer a sleeve at all.

This little gem is a fantastic idea. When you aren't carrying a coffee you can wear this attractive coffee sleeve as a wrist cuff.

The downside is that the makers of this attractive sleeve aka bracelet cuff is that its expensive.

I've been on some crafty blogs lately and have seen a much cheaper solution either sewn or knitted. So if you are a little bit crafty here is a great idea to make something pretty and environmental. If you aren't crafty there are friends out there that are.

Even better though, carry a plastic coffee container. Okay if you are like me this isn't always convenient - the cuff is a great thing.

Pull up your pants!

I haven't been able to understand the male pant trend for the past 15 years.


Why do nice young men walk around with their drawers showing. Really guys - give yourself some self respect. Buy some pants that fit comfortably and invest in a belt. I've seen some extremes over the years. I can't understand how one can even comfortably walk with their pants at their knees.


Nice kids are spending their parents hard earned dollars on expensive BIG jeans but then they have to go and hack off half the pants because they are way too long when you are zipping at the knees.



Stop the insanity. I'm not saying go out and buy a pair of skinny leg jeans, baby steps are necessary here. Buy your size in a nice straight cut and voila - you look like a grown up.



I am a teenager of the 80s. I grew up having to lie down to zip up my jeans (okay not so healthy) and the guys did just the same. I have to say I loved the view of the 80s, fashion faux paux's and all. I mean we had tight tight jeans which defined a nice ass. Even men with no ass had a somewhat nice ass.

There were tight jeans! Okay wayyyy too tight but we were on a learning curve.



There were spandex (boo) a little over the top but the hair bands pulled it off.

There were painter jeans!

There was acid wash jeans (okay that was bad but they fit at least).



Now you just can't tell who has a butt and who doesn't. Mind you I don't have any interest in the age group wearing those pants but still... guys think of the girls in your cohort. They need to see the merchandise.

Eventually boys... there will come a day when you are going to get totally comfortable with yourself and wear your pants up to your chest - its inevitable.

Make peace with the pants.

The big commute question

I am not a morning person.

I recently did my taxes and came across a credit I hadn't been aware of. For residents of my Province, monthly bus passes can be written off in a proportion towards your total tax credit. Anything I can do to not pay so much to the taxman is cool with me. So the wheels have been turning.

When gas reached a $1.25 a litre this week and with the news that its only going to keep creeping to over $1.50 by mid summer it would be stupid of me not to take this opportunity to save at the pumps and at the taxman.

The downside - I hate our public transit system in my city. The buses come at odd times and where we live to get to the centre you have to seriously plan your day the night before.

My morning routine is to hit snooze 5 times, drag my butt down the stairs to a nicely brewed cup of coffee, jump in the shower and grab my lunch and breakfast on the fly out the door. If I do start commuting on the bus I'll have to set the alarm a half hour before I do now. NOT hit snooze at all. Hustle my butt out the door. What I loose is time with my daughter in the morning and the afternoon. I will loose that precious hour.

I'm trying to convince myself of the plus side.

• save money at the pumps, only use the car for evening kid based activities and groceries.
• environmentally responsible
• tax write off
• time to read a book
• meet 'different' people
• less wear and tear on the car
• did I say environmentally friendly.... I'm really working here
• I can sit with my spouse who is working his way up to this commuting thing.
  
• the weather will be nice. I can't quite bring myself to wait for a bus in a snow bank at minus 20 just yet.

So in the near future... I'll be joining the masses.

I can also probably afford a tank or two to head to the cottage this summer. Win win really.

The scariest thing ever

If I woke up to this I would be in need of instant Therapy. I am not a fan of dolls. Barbie does not creep me out but little dolls with blinking eyes are just WRONG on so many levels.

This was someone's art exhibit and if their intent was to horrify well they are good.


This is like a mini Night of the Living Dead. "Brains"

Maybe to someone these are cute but look at their cold dead eyes.

Creepy.

Time to dig deep in the garden

I am over the moon that the weather had finally gotten warm enough to stick my somewhat rusty old garden tools back in the earth.

Last year we started expanding one level of our lot into a garden fit for a summer long feast. We started with three rows for Leeks, grape tomatoes and herbs. The Leeks didn't work so well, they were small but still delicious to cook with all winter. I chopped up what survived and froze them. The grape tomatoes were much bigger than what you would get in the grocery store and way sweeter and salty. These little gems didn't make it to the table past summer, my kids were eating them right out of the garden. I didn't really mind because it meant it was less time eating at the candy store. They were better than Candy. I planted only 4 cucumber plants because expert gardeners had warned me that these plants can really take over your garden. I should have planted 40 plants because I only got about 8 cucumbers off the entire group. I was also impatient and picked them when they were somewhat small. I may have picked the wrong cucumber - English - but it was neat how they grew. They curled.

I also had some herbs. Friends were only too willing to pass along basil, thyme and chives. I added Rosemary and a chili thyme that had small leaves but gave a big punch in my cooking and just alone in a garden salad. I didn't have as much luck with my dill. It grew tall and weedy which I'm not sure it should have and it also went to seed. I've got to good Dill because it is such a great way to punch up a boring bowl of mashed potatoes.

So this year I'm trying to decide what to grow again. I'm definitely expanding to do three rows of just different types of tomatoes. They are such a big part of our winter cooking - which also means I'm going to have to investing in some canning jars and lids to save them for the winter (if they make it that far).
I'm dividing up another row for green beans and sugar snap peas. I think I might need to make some kind of trellis for this though as I've seen sugar peas climbing.

I'm going to grow cucumbers and yellow zucchini too. I'm not very comfortable planting in the ground so carrots and other tubers are out. Some of our lot does have tailings dust from the old form of mining so the thought of my children putting that in their mouths doesn't sit well with me.

Any suggestions?

My super awesome Rink making Dad

It was the winter of either 1979 or 1980. I was obsessed with skating after watching Dorothy Hamil skate in the winter Olympics. I wanted to skate 24-7. Well I was a little bit too young to go down to the rink by myself and my parents were busy most evenings with things kids don't get. Things like paying bills, making supper, arranging playdates for the younger sibling, downtime from work. They ran us around 3 nights a week already with skating, dance and brownies so the 2 nights they had free - they actually wanted to have something still not quite heard of, especially for mom's in the late 70's ..."me time".

But wait it was all about me wasn't it?

Anyways, my Dad has always encouraged us to do whatever it is we dream of doing and he always tried to give us the tools to do so. He was a busy man with a busy Accounting practice and in the winter he adjusted his hours to work at his peak times - noon to about 3am from January to April. He was home for supper for about 2 hours but then gone again after a quick goodnight kiss and a tuck into bed. But I guess I must have really inspired him or pestered him to the point of sanity because one night not long after we were back to school in January he went out to the front of our driveway and started shovelling the unused summer side. My sister and I dragged on our snowsuits to go out and help but more so watch in fascination as he marked off a perfect 20 foot rectangle with sticks and string.

What are you doing Daddy?

You'll see.

He smoothed out the bottom surface and told us to stay out of the square. It was getting pretty cold and his engineering prowes although neat was getting boring so we went inside and pestered Mom for Hot chocolate. I went off to bed thinking not of the rectangle but probably something a little more to my speed - like who was the better buddy Skipper or Gilligan?

The next morning, heading off to school I stopped short at the end of the driveway. The Rectangle had transformed into a glistening slab of thin ice. I was excited. I remember rushing home from school and digging out my skates only to be stopped by my mom. Yes it was going to be a skating rink but it was going to take some time to build up the ice so it would be safe to use. Bummer.

I can only guess that when my Dad got home from work that night he brought out pail after pail of hot water and threw it across his surface. The man is a saint.

Well I waited.... and waited... and waited. Finally a week later Dad announced that the ice was very solid and smooth and it would be safe to use. I ran to get dressed and put on my skates. I clomped down the driveway and stepped on to the rink for my first glide.

It was utter bliss. Smooth as marble. There was barely a bump or ripple. I skated until my cheeks were ruddy red and I couldn't feel my nose - then I still had to be dragged in by my Mom.

That winter our house was the hub of skating activity. No hockey was allowed because there was little ones on the ice and Dad didn't want too much maintenance on the rink but we had a blast. I was sad to see it melt away in the spring.

He kept this up for 3 more years until I was a teenager and only interested in closing my door and listening to music while talking on the phone. I think he was probably a little bit sad but also a little bit relieved that the momentous chore he had undertaken to please me had moved on.

The picture above inspired this memory. I looked at the rink that had been in some old catalogue and thought it was nothing compared to what I had received. My dad's diligence, love and time. It might not have been the pure quality time because of his crazy winter hours but it was time given with the intent of love.

I know this wasn't my usual sarcastic snip at something today but I can work on that. :)

Marketing Master mind or nut - you tell me.

I found this on Ebay the other day looking for inspiration.

It was on sale - used for $2.00 off the cover price. So really this is a double used product.

Someone has gone out of their way to collect the regurgitated by product from an Owls stomach, taken a scrupulous look at it and then wrote a book on how to look at this. Genius!

It is pretty gross but when my son was much younger he would have totally thought this was the cats ass.

Supersize this, downsize me.

Well we are heading into month 5 of the exciting world of downsizing.

Its really starting to grind my gears. Its like that dating show The Bachelor. I would never degrade myself on television or for a man to pick me but the scenario is the same. It seems like there have been several mini dates for the Bachelor - The Director of Talent Management - to get to know some of the different personalities of the organization that he effects. He's been going around the country with his wingmen having mini dates with Managers and Administrators so that he can get a feel for what is the best relationship for the organization.

I've always been the type of person that hey "don't waste my time" if you like me we can click but if we don't gel I'm gone. I'm not a patient person when it comes to my life. I have my pension tied up in this place and 12 years of my time. I've given up playtime and sleep to make my part of the deal hmm along smoothly. Now its a trial cooling off period to see if we still like each other....

Basically I've been in limbo for almost 5 months. I don't even know if I should replace my BBQ right now because they are telling us its 'weeks' now to the big ROSE ceremony. Weeks could still mean months. There are 52 weeks in a year after all. At least there will be no more suffering of the don't ask specific questions we can only give you general answers teleconferences. Those I can gladly do without. So pal never mind the Rose ceremony, just call me up and say its over. I can save the gas money commuting to work. I'm pissed I don't know about my BBQ because I really really like Steak, its up there with cake.

The sad thing is I really believe in what our organization does and I see why we need to streamline and restructure. I feel I play a valuable part in the day to day operations but who knows what the Grand Pubah thinks behind that giant curtain of smoke and mirrors.

Well until I know what is to be my future I am open to suggestions for a career change. I've been mulling over a few ideas myself. I'll save that for another post though.

Kudo's to The Plug

I just have to give a shout out to fellow blogger The Plug for performing a truly cool social experiment. This Blogger left a camera tied to a park bench and left a note asking people to take some random pictures. The result is very cool and I am actually surprised that people were decent. I was expecting some pretty obscure things but it was nice smiley people, dogs, storefronts. The coolest thing is The Plug was able to get back the camera and share the results with the rest of the Blog world.

I hope someone takes this social experiment a little further. Why not leave a disposable camera in some more obscure places. An aisle at the supermarket, at a known teen hangout, a back alley. Hopefully the plug does some more.

Kudos to those who participated too. It must have been a nice place because the way my mind bends these days I was expecting some down the pants action... but then those 1 hour film places don't really like to develop those either.

Hats off to Brett Michaels

A while back I wrote a little snippit entitled Accept Your Hot Baldness
I was inspired by Brett Michaels after getting sucked into his little VH-1 show Rock of Love. It was summer, Big Brother was over, and again I think he is hot.

It drove me absolutely nuts though that he would never wear his hair without a bandana, ballcap or cowboy hat. I started to think the poor man was hiding a deep insecurity about his possible balding issues and wanted to make it very clear that being bald for a man is HOT.

Well much to my surprise, there was a season 2 of Rock of Love - Poor Brett didn't find his Rock Diva so back to the drawing board. I watched this time to see again if he would go au natural.

Sure enough he did. In the meet the folks episode he came out without any accessories for his beautiful head and he looked... awesome. So Brett... I doubt you will ever read this but I did think maybe you were bald and thought you should come out and be a very HOT Bald Brett Michaels. Sorry for that. Although I did have fun finding some alternative looks - I gotta admit that.

You are just a gorgeous rockstar any way you are. Keep those soulful ballads coming.

Cheers to Not Baldness

Signs your Mom might be becoming a 'Desperate Housewife'

So your Dad is a contractor and your mom is a busy stay at home woman about the house kinda girl.

After a few years of blissfully thinking your mom is full filled with well, you... you discover that somethings just aren't adding up.

Company is stopping by today and your mom has been up all night assembling cinder block sugar cubes.


Your bitchin' electronic drum set suddenly has acquired a set of lovely colour coded cozies.


To make matters worse the entire kitchen has been outfitted with cozies.


You might be starting to think your mother needs more than you and the house as a hobby.

I have a good suggestion but wait... if you don't believe me here is some more evidence.



She makes her own swifer because she can do it so much better and cheaper.



Not convinced yet....

This is a little replica of what she has planned for your prom after party theme.


Do the right thing.....





Tell your mother to have an affair - the sooner the better.

Oompah Loompah wannabe's

I've seen a trend of late out in blog land in on flickr.

It is prom season. Kids are all about their dresses, tuxes, hair, shoes and definitely not about looking pale.

I can only think that some prom preparers and celebrity wannabe's are taking their look from the little Oompah Loompah's from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Johnny Depp version.

Whats a kid to do when celebrities are the first to fall under the Orange one's spell.


Why why why... Tom Jones?


And if the sex bomb is glowing the Donald can't loose face now can he?

So those are the role models for grown men. See what is happening. Its becoming soilent orange.

Senator Kerry.... guilty in tangelino


Where men go the boys are sure to follow.



The women aren't off the hook either.

The other Donald or rather, Donnatella is a trend setter for big purses, big money and sadly big lips it appears. The Orangenista is setting the trend for fake.




Karina Schmirnoff, Dancing of the Stars et. al. Have all dipped in the same vat of over done Orange this spring.


So here are the poor unsuspecting victims of this years prom preparedness:











Honorable Mentions:

Next time use Clarins its a kinder gentler orange and does not streak.

Poor kid.





At least we are no longer baking ourselves in the sun. There is an addiction and its no laughing matter.


Its called tanning dependence and the body gets hooked on IV rays from the sun much like an addict would get their fix from a shot of alcohol or a line of cocaine.


So if you gotta be orange... get it from a bottle... of bronzer.