Things that Grind my gears #3

The next person who jams the photocopier and then walks away leaving a big mess is going to get hurt real bad... in my mind anyways.

I have to ask... why do people do this. You jam it, you follow the pictures, pull out the paper from said doors and viola you are back in business.

What is going to happen when the day comes and the "someone else can fix it" person doesn't come to work.

Oh my god the day is over. Work will stop, people will hover in the halls looking off in the distance for that person to come but never making contact with another because that would mean co-ownership.

I think these people are the same people that had their mom's clean their room. Part of them is still a slack ass teenager at heart.

Things that Grind my gears #2

Again with the work theme:

Time suckers... part duh.

There is a lovely young lady at work that is totally in love with her little girl. Trust me, EVERYONE knows about this because that is ALL we hear.

I have a great rapport with my co-workers and we talk about a wide range of topics throughout the day... while still doing our work.

This little lady doesn't start work by booting up her computer, oh no that would be 'productive'. This little lady comes in at 815 everymorning and shares the cutest thing her daughter did with at least 3 different offices...

I like the girl don't get me wrong. I also like kids. This gear grinding thing is possibly making me out to be a kurmudgeon but seriously can't people work and share??? My time is extremely valuable and I try to maximize every minute I have.

Stopping to talk to you about the same thing everyday... really grinds my gears. If you stopped me to discuss the price at the pumps or some jack off cut you off you'd have my ears. To hear that precious blew bubbles even bigger then yesterday... that news you should save for her Grandma.

More signs your Mom is becoming a Desperate Housewife

Earlier this year I started a little series "Signs Your Mom is Becoming a Desperate Housewife"
I couldn't stop at just one. This is way too much fun.



To commemorate you passing your Grade 10 Biology Class she re-enacts the dissection of a frog using felt pieces.

Its pretty life like except for the formaldehyde which is good because that smell nearly made you loose your breakfast.






You come home from school and see your Grandparents old tv sitting in the living room. It looks like a puppet theatre for your little sister but no... its a hands on bar for her ladies bridge afternoons.

You are a little peturbed by this because the picture was still good enough to play your Dad's old Commador 64 games on.
Bummer.




You decide you are going to earn that Abercrombie and Fitch Hoodie you have been yearning for by helping your mom do the groceries. Its the least you can do. You don't have to lift a finger around the house.

All is going well until your mom decides to use up some of her spare change at the cash. She pulls out of her quilted patchwork purse her latest endeavour, a cassette tape change purse. The tape was no longer working but it had some good memories associated with it - why let it go to waste. The hottest kid in your class happens to be your cashier - yep you've earned your hoodie all right.


Now that Mom has every thing in the house that isn't attached cozie'd. Her latest project is uberwear for all the loose cords in the house.




There is a solution.

Buy her tickets to the ladies only Fireman's ball. Quickly.


*Housewives are important. But this is fun.

The Office Sneeze

There are two very nice people in my office that from time to time I want to take out and give them a face wash in the snowbank.

They have awful sneezes.

Everyone sneezes. You hear it all day long but these two grate on my nerves.

The first one is a lovely lady that actually squeaks like a mouse when she sneezes. SQUEAK! Just one. I've never actually heard her have multiple squeaks. Its over the top girly. She's a very prim and proper type of person - shes in Quality Assurance so it goes with the personality.

The last sneeze I heard yesterday I looked over at my co-worker who has a mind just like mine (god love her) and said...
"can you imagine if that is her Big sneeze what her big "O" must be like" I know inappropriate but that is moi.
I just can't imagine when she attempts such a lady like sneeze that she would be over the top "Oh God! Yes! Yes! Oooooooo!"

Nope it would be "o"

Then there is the dude. Nice guy but man he needs a total snowbank face wash. A few weeks ago on Oprah or the View ...one of those shows... they had a nasal channeler where you totally rinse out your clogged up nose. I would like to send him for further product testing of this product.

He doesn't actually sneeze. He in fact does not sneeze. It would probably create an explosion.

He honks.

He blows his nose and it sounds like an elephant is honking. He does this until the culprit from his lungs, no doubt, is dislodged.

Place your hands in a teepee and cup them over your nose and mouth.
Now make a sounds like you are giving a kid a giant zerpert (raspberry) on their belly. Hear how its channeled through your hands so its subdued but amplified at the same time....

Yeah he needs to be told.

How do you tell him without embarrasing both of you that his snorts are like fingernails on a chalkboard.

I'm thankful I can close my office door when he gets bad. He is out in the prarie pen of cubicles and his co-workers must just Looooove him.

I'm thinking anonymous note on the nasal draining gift.... get a clue dude.

Jelly jelly bo belly

I just had a flashback to 1984. I had to have these shoes. I bugged and bugged and then when we made a winter visit to Florida I managed to pick up a clear pair of these shoes at Target.

Biggest mistake I ever made in the fashion world of the 80s.

Worse then my dusty pink leg warmers, worse then my lace ode to Madonna material girl gloves, worse then lumber jackets in red plaid.

I worse these babies out of the store and was thrilled with finally owning a pair. I'd be the first in my group who all covetted the shoes that were jelly.

Within an hour my feet hurt. It was 80 degrees and humid. My feet swelled and all the little plastic lines on those shoes molded my feet into an interesting looking sculpture. Kinda like your face looks like after a night on a punched up pillow.
They also didn't breath so my feet on the inside were getting slimy and hot. When I finally took my shoes off gladly after a 2 hour walk back along the beach walkway to our hotel room my feet reeked. It was the nastiest smell that has ever come off my body - worse than fart.

It was bad. Of course, I couldn't let my parents know how much I now hated these shoes. I didn't want to get a told you so and if I coveted another item at a later time it would be game over in the "please, please, please I'll just die" round of getting what I THOUGHT I wanted.

Also please note the heels on these shoes.

I had to buy $500 orthodic inserts a few years ago because of a heel spur... I now believe these heels were the direct culprit to later years of pain. Walking should never be taken for granted but when you are a frivolous teenager footwear is about being cute - not smart.

If you see heels like these on any pair of shoes - DO NOT BUY.

So dear readers if you have never had the pleasure of wearing jelly shoes - trust me - you dont' want to go there. Not just for the pain ... the smell.

My sister Fang

There was a huge age difference between my sister and I growing up. I was older by her by 7 years and we had nothing in common except for the fact that she liked to follow me everywhere, copy everything I did and tell on me when the moment was right.... which was often. Don't get me wrong, there is no ill will towards Fang. She was just being a kid and kids love to tell their mothers what they saw and did that day. Out of the mouths of Fangs.

Why do I call her Fang. From about the age of 5 she started to develop these lovely pearly white incisors that hung a little bit over her lip. She had a bit of an overbit that was later corrected with expensive dentistry to create the most beautiful smile but at the time in my impatience with her and the need to label she was simply Fang. I knew she hated it and it was delicious.

Fang is scarred for life because of me.

I didn't do it on purpose - honest. She holds it over me to this day.

In our basement that was still relatively unfinished we had a lumpy bumpy old couch that was awesome to bounce on. I had my pal over one day who was the best tree climber I had ever met - and probably still is but Mato was raring to bounce. She had seen me in action and wanted to try something out she had seen on a trampoline by her older brothers.

I got on the one end and started to give a few good bounces. The couch was giving a lovely creaky noise that just added to our amusement (we were kids, we had not yet been introduced ot Porkys or the like of that thought process). Mato counted down the bounces and then hopped on herself opposite to my bounce. We really had the couch rocking then. Each bounce the other gave seemed to give the other one more lift. At the most inopportune moment Fang comes rushing into the room with her creepy doll Susie and sees us bouncing. Her eyes glittered with consipiracy and without a warning she was up in the middle of the couch and just like that back down on the unfinished cement floor on her head.

Mato and I stopped immediately. We were scared! Fang was letting out the most horrid of screams, the type that curl your toes. Come to think of it she could give Jamie Lee Curtis a run for her money.

My mother rushed in and saw the two of us looking as guilty as hell and Fang on the floor holding her now bleeding forehead while continuing to scream. Well the simplest of solutions happened very quickly after that.

I got sent to my room.
Mato got sent home.
Fang was whisked away to the hospital to come back a few hours later with a new ugly creepy doll, a popsicle and 4 stitches on her forehead.
The couch was pulled out to the curb much to my dismay, and it was gone on garbage day.

Fang knows how to ruin a good time - at least in the past she did. I'm still a little bitter that Mom wouldn't listen to reason about the couch. No questions asked - I was guilty by visual evidence alone. I wished Columbo (who I don't think was around in TV land yet) would come around and investigate to vindicate me and the couch. Fang came to her own forehead demise by her own actions.

On a cool aside its neat about the human head. Today Fang's scar is still on her head but it has somehow travelled to the back of her skull. Fang is kinda witchy.

Fang continued to mess up my cool childhood adventures like the time she got that stupid Cabbage Patch Doll... but that will have to wait for another time

New Popsicle flavour

Stores really need to think about how they are abbreviating their product codes.

My co-worker was looking over her receipt from an errand and started laughing.

She didn't realize she bought Ass popsicles.

So was a focus group sitting around thinking of new flavours? What haven't we covered lately. Is there a market we can corner? Keen intern looks up from taking scrupulous notes. "oh I know... I love licking ass but its a bit hot and sweaty in the summer. If we could get a summer flavour this would sell well in the 25 to 55 gay male market."

Of course the store meant Assorted Popsicles which is hilarious for me.

Things that Grind my gears

I have no use for time suckers at work.

There is a time and a place for fun at work but some of the chit chat that goes on is mind boggling. One of our managers is the worst offender.

This lovely lady comes in fashionably late, leaves early and takes 2 hour lunches. Fine - her time not mine no biggie. What drives me nuts is when she does eventually stroll into work she visits before she puts a foot in her office. Its shoes its dogs. One day my office partner timed her. She stood at another co-workers door for an hour and 20 minutes talking about their dogs.

Okay big deal but its the door way chit chat that pisses me off. I believe in an open door policy for my group and half the time I have to close my door to hear myself think.

I don't care about your shoes, your dogs (I like dogs), your latest purchase after a 2 hour lunch of shopping.

And then she wonders at 330 where the days has gone. The sad thing is she doesn't realize what a time sucker she is.

Blow up doll for jr

You wouldn't necessarily expect blowup dolls in the children's toy section of Zellars but then we'd be wrong.

Browsing about while the kids looked for ways to blow their allowance the fastest I came across this 'interesting' looking toy.

First look you're thinking how rude right? That was my thought exactly.
It looks phallic.

Whats more they want you to actually place your lips over this uncircumcised end of the toy.... and blow.

Someone has a sick mind. But....

...when blown up its actually kind of cool. My husband had no problem wrapping his lips around this toy and letting loose.

It makes a rude noise when deflating too. We didn't let it go but I can imagine it flies all over the place like a balloon.

The phallic thing is still disturbing but I guess its better blowing at the 'mouth' end then the 'tail' end.

I think a 7 year old boy would think this is the coolest toy. Great to gross out and impress his friends but still has the innocence (hopefully) to not realize how dirty this toy is.

Okay so its my sick mind.

So you are wondering where you can get one right.

I'm sure if they are in Zellars in Canada, then they are probably in Target or K-Mart in the US.

They are called Punchball Critters.

So buy one, blow them up if you can keep from giggling and punch away.

Fantasy room

This winter season of Big Brother 9 was different to say the least but what thrilled me to bits about the 'house's' set up was the new room.

Here is a girls dream room next to a room filled with shoes.

Never mind the sauna, never mind the massage table.

Feast your eyes on the wall of nail polishes. A room just for girly pampering is right up my alley.


On a side note - I'm disappointed that Joshy didn't win :(

Weird Names to live under

My father was born in an odd named little village but he was also surrounded by odd sounding names for family members, by today's standards.
Birth place - Ardbeg Canada. Relative names - Rufus, Burley, Melville, Herman, Marcus, Samuel. Very stoic sounding names. I always chuckled over Ardbeg, the way the syllables rolled off my tongue as I said it.

As my world expanded so did the list of names out there that I have been fortunate enough not to have cheques printed up with these addresses.

Flushing, NY
French Lick, Indiana
Blue Balls, Pennsylvania
Tittybong, Australia
Climax, North Carolina
Bastard, ON
Dildo, Newfound Land
Sugar Tit, South Carolina
Cumming, Georgia
Kiester, Minnesota
Nimrod, Minnesota
Disco, Michigan
Fuk Man Road, Hong Kong China
Crackpot, UK
Cooter, Missouri
Tightwad, Missouri
Colon, Michigan
Noodle, Texas
Bippus, Indiana
Chicken, Alaska
Dick Lick Springs, Arkansas
Experiment, Georgia
Meat Cove, Nova Scotia
Nameless, Texas

Boring Maryland - think of National Lampoons Vegas Vacation with the Dam tour guide only now think of the poor tour guide in Boring. Now to be just a little bit more devilish - the tour guide has Ben Steins flat voice from Ferris Buellers Day off.
"Welcome to Boring Maryland. This is your Boring tour. On the left please note the Boring Playhouse where member of Boring purvey their Boring acting skills. Over here on the right you will find the Boring Court house and Boring jail where... you guessed it.... nothing happened." Talk about an uphill battle for job satisfaction for that poor duff.

The best one though is without a doubt

Fucking - Austria

Remember kids - safety first.

Come on down to the Fucking Festival.

Back Door Guests are Always Best....

I couldn't believe my eyes when I came across this little country kitchen craft jem.

I'm kicking myself for not buying it. I should have bought if for the inlaws. They'd have no idea what the connotation is and the looks their guests would give them would be priceless.

My friend also said I should have got it for him for his condo door. He's competing against a sea of flower wreathes and this screams him :) Sorry Bud.

Great coffee sleeve

I am so guilty of asking for a double cup at my local coffee chain.

The thin paper burns my fingers and some places don't offer a sleeve at all.

This little gem is a fantastic idea. When you aren't carrying a coffee you can wear this attractive coffee sleeve as a wrist cuff.

The downside is that the makers of this attractive sleeve aka bracelet cuff is that its expensive.

I've been on some crafty blogs lately and have seen a much cheaper solution either sewn or knitted. So if you are a little bit crafty here is a great idea to make something pretty and environmental. If you aren't crafty there are friends out there that are.

Even better though, carry a plastic coffee container. Okay if you are like me this isn't always convenient - the cuff is a great thing.

Pull up your pants!

I haven't been able to understand the male pant trend for the past 15 years.


Why do nice young men walk around with their drawers showing. Really guys - give yourself some self respect. Buy some pants that fit comfortably and invest in a belt. I've seen some extremes over the years. I can't understand how one can even comfortably walk with their pants at their knees.


Nice kids are spending their parents hard earned dollars on expensive BIG jeans but then they have to go and hack off half the pants because they are way too long when you are zipping at the knees.



Stop the insanity. I'm not saying go out and buy a pair of skinny leg jeans, baby steps are necessary here. Buy your size in a nice straight cut and voila - you look like a grown up.



I am a teenager of the 80s. I grew up having to lie down to zip up my jeans (okay not so healthy) and the guys did just the same. I have to say I loved the view of the 80s, fashion faux paux's and all. I mean we had tight tight jeans which defined a nice ass. Even men with no ass had a somewhat nice ass.

There were tight jeans! Okay wayyyy too tight but we were on a learning curve.



There were spandex (boo) a little over the top but the hair bands pulled it off.

There were painter jeans!

There was acid wash jeans (okay that was bad but they fit at least).



Now you just can't tell who has a butt and who doesn't. Mind you I don't have any interest in the age group wearing those pants but still... guys think of the girls in your cohort. They need to see the merchandise.

Eventually boys... there will come a day when you are going to get totally comfortable with yourself and wear your pants up to your chest - its inevitable.

Make peace with the pants.

The big commute question

I am not a morning person.

I recently did my taxes and came across a credit I hadn't been aware of. For residents of my Province, monthly bus passes can be written off in a proportion towards your total tax credit. Anything I can do to not pay so much to the taxman is cool with me. So the wheels have been turning.

When gas reached a $1.25 a litre this week and with the news that its only going to keep creeping to over $1.50 by mid summer it would be stupid of me not to take this opportunity to save at the pumps and at the taxman.

The downside - I hate our public transit system in my city. The buses come at odd times and where we live to get to the centre you have to seriously plan your day the night before.

My morning routine is to hit snooze 5 times, drag my butt down the stairs to a nicely brewed cup of coffee, jump in the shower and grab my lunch and breakfast on the fly out the door. If I do start commuting on the bus I'll have to set the alarm a half hour before I do now. NOT hit snooze at all. Hustle my butt out the door. What I loose is time with my daughter in the morning and the afternoon. I will loose that precious hour.

I'm trying to convince myself of the plus side.

• save money at the pumps, only use the car for evening kid based activities and groceries.
• environmentally responsible
• tax write off
• time to read a book
• meet 'different' people
• less wear and tear on the car
• did I say environmentally friendly.... I'm really working here
• I can sit with my spouse who is working his way up to this commuting thing.
  
• the weather will be nice. I can't quite bring myself to wait for a bus in a snow bank at minus 20 just yet.

So in the near future... I'll be joining the masses.

I can also probably afford a tank or two to head to the cottage this summer. Win win really.

The scariest thing ever

If I woke up to this I would be in need of instant Therapy. I am not a fan of dolls. Barbie does not creep me out but little dolls with blinking eyes are just WRONG on so many levels.

This was someone's art exhibit and if their intent was to horrify well they are good.


This is like a mini Night of the Living Dead. "Brains"

Maybe to someone these are cute but look at their cold dead eyes.

Creepy.

Time to dig deep in the garden

I am over the moon that the weather had finally gotten warm enough to stick my somewhat rusty old garden tools back in the earth.

Last year we started expanding one level of our lot into a garden fit for a summer long feast. We started with three rows for Leeks, grape tomatoes and herbs. The Leeks didn't work so well, they were small but still delicious to cook with all winter. I chopped up what survived and froze them. The grape tomatoes were much bigger than what you would get in the grocery store and way sweeter and salty. These little gems didn't make it to the table past summer, my kids were eating them right out of the garden. I didn't really mind because it meant it was less time eating at the candy store. They were better than Candy. I planted only 4 cucumber plants because expert gardeners had warned me that these plants can really take over your garden. I should have planted 40 plants because I only got about 8 cucumbers off the entire group. I was also impatient and picked them when they were somewhat small. I may have picked the wrong cucumber - English - but it was neat how they grew. They curled.

I also had some herbs. Friends were only too willing to pass along basil, thyme and chives. I added Rosemary and a chili thyme that had small leaves but gave a big punch in my cooking and just alone in a garden salad. I didn't have as much luck with my dill. It grew tall and weedy which I'm not sure it should have and it also went to seed. I've got to good Dill because it is such a great way to punch up a boring bowl of mashed potatoes.

So this year I'm trying to decide what to grow again. I'm definitely expanding to do three rows of just different types of tomatoes. They are such a big part of our winter cooking - which also means I'm going to have to investing in some canning jars and lids to save them for the winter (if they make it that far).
I'm dividing up another row for green beans and sugar snap peas. I think I might need to make some kind of trellis for this though as I've seen sugar peas climbing.

I'm going to grow cucumbers and yellow zucchini too. I'm not very comfortable planting in the ground so carrots and other tubers are out. Some of our lot does have tailings dust from the old form of mining so the thought of my children putting that in their mouths doesn't sit well with me.

Any suggestions?

My super awesome Rink making Dad

It was the winter of either 1979 or 1980. I was obsessed with skating after watching Dorothy Hamil skate in the winter Olympics. I wanted to skate 24-7. Well I was a little bit too young to go down to the rink by myself and my parents were busy most evenings with things kids don't get. Things like paying bills, making supper, arranging playdates for the younger sibling, downtime from work. They ran us around 3 nights a week already with skating, dance and brownies so the 2 nights they had free - they actually wanted to have something still not quite heard of, especially for mom's in the late 70's ..."me time".

But wait it was all about me wasn't it?

Anyways, my Dad has always encouraged us to do whatever it is we dream of doing and he always tried to give us the tools to do so. He was a busy man with a busy Accounting practice and in the winter he adjusted his hours to work at his peak times - noon to about 3am from January to April. He was home for supper for about 2 hours but then gone again after a quick goodnight kiss and a tuck into bed. But I guess I must have really inspired him or pestered him to the point of sanity because one night not long after we were back to school in January he went out to the front of our driveway and started shovelling the unused summer side. My sister and I dragged on our snowsuits to go out and help but more so watch in fascination as he marked off a perfect 20 foot rectangle with sticks and string.

What are you doing Daddy?

You'll see.

He smoothed out the bottom surface and told us to stay out of the square. It was getting pretty cold and his engineering prowes although neat was getting boring so we went inside and pestered Mom for Hot chocolate. I went off to bed thinking not of the rectangle but probably something a little more to my speed - like who was the better buddy Skipper or Gilligan?

The next morning, heading off to school I stopped short at the end of the driveway. The Rectangle had transformed into a glistening slab of thin ice. I was excited. I remember rushing home from school and digging out my skates only to be stopped by my mom. Yes it was going to be a skating rink but it was going to take some time to build up the ice so it would be safe to use. Bummer.

I can only guess that when my Dad got home from work that night he brought out pail after pail of hot water and threw it across his surface. The man is a saint.

Well I waited.... and waited... and waited. Finally a week later Dad announced that the ice was very solid and smooth and it would be safe to use. I ran to get dressed and put on my skates. I clomped down the driveway and stepped on to the rink for my first glide.

It was utter bliss. Smooth as marble. There was barely a bump or ripple. I skated until my cheeks were ruddy red and I couldn't feel my nose - then I still had to be dragged in by my Mom.

That winter our house was the hub of skating activity. No hockey was allowed because there was little ones on the ice and Dad didn't want too much maintenance on the rink but we had a blast. I was sad to see it melt away in the spring.

He kept this up for 3 more years until I was a teenager and only interested in closing my door and listening to music while talking on the phone. I think he was probably a little bit sad but also a little bit relieved that the momentous chore he had undertaken to please me had moved on.

The picture above inspired this memory. I looked at the rink that had been in some old catalogue and thought it was nothing compared to what I had received. My dad's diligence, love and time. It might not have been the pure quality time because of his crazy winter hours but it was time given with the intent of love.

I know this wasn't my usual sarcastic snip at something today but I can work on that. :)

Marketing Master mind or nut - you tell me.

I found this on Ebay the other day looking for inspiration.

It was on sale - used for $2.00 off the cover price. So really this is a double used product.

Someone has gone out of their way to collect the regurgitated by product from an Owls stomach, taken a scrupulous look at it and then wrote a book on how to look at this. Genius!

It is pretty gross but when my son was much younger he would have totally thought this was the cats ass.