Goodbye 2007

Well as my last post of 2007 I have to say its been interesting.

At the beginning of 2007 I helped move one of my dearest friends across the province and said good-bye to a childhood friend taken way too young.

I spent more time online and came across facebook quite cynically. It actually has turned out to be a great reconnection of some old friendships from the past as well as some strengthening of co-workers, neighbourhood and likeminded people. The best part of the year was getting the encouragement I needed to get the nerve to start blogging. I have wanted to write since I was in grade 4. On a trip out east I actually wrote a book about a boy I really liked in 1981. I used to write when I was happy, when I was sad. ETC. I lost the time and the will.

I'm getting my groove back. I have no idea if anyone is even reading but like my turn at college radio in the 90s there might have been 4 people listening to my show. It was a place to experiment and find out what I like. I was surprised to find my show actually had a following, who knows if I get that.

I was inspired two years ago by Augustin Burroughs Magical Thinking. He writes just like I think he talks - which is exactly how I have slipped into in the past few years - and that is actually very cool.

One last tidbit for the 2007 - I'm watching NewYears by Niagra Falls and my beloved Denis Dejong from Styx looks more like Tony Bennet and yes he is wearing a toupee - however if I close my eyes... he sounds exactly like I loved in grade 7 when Mr. Roboto kicked ass.

Christmas Concert Survival Tips

I finally got it right this year.

My son is almost 19 and we have another child in middle school so we are old hands at the seasonal - cram the gymnasium festivities.

Its only this year that I feel that I finally have a failsafe system.
It involves letting your child know ahead of time that you are leaving as soon as they are done. If they can safely walk home and want to stay - yeah!

• Arrive early, bring water, cellphone, ipod and smelling salts or vicks. I admit to forgetting the vicks this year and regret it. More on the vicks after.
• Find seat second or third row back, aisle seat is optimal. Take off coat, get comfortable that space is going to roast once the bodies start pressing in. I like the aisle seat because you can adjust your space out a bit.
• Get programme to find out where child is and when to best leave. The other classes worked very hard I know but I've seen it, done it and your grandparents are there to watch you, so you don't need me.
• Apply MP3Player. The nice thing about having longer hair this year is that I can hide the earphones and wires but for those that sensed my innerpeace waiting for my child to appear - they were envious.
• Have cellphone ready for textmessages to spouse about how its their turn next year and you might let them in on your new strategy.

I guess I should have mentioned I did this year alone since my better half had a teaching commitment - no really he did :)

Have vicks or scented dryersheet at the ready to black out other people smells.

Why is it people think its acceptable to deepfry in an unventilated kitchen in the winter and then go out shortly after.

Au du fish sticks and french fries is nasty.

It could have been worse though, it could have been: year old wino, pee pant smell, roll sweat, or cigar breath. I was lucky but still regreted not having something to save my nose besides popping double amounts of breath mints in my mouth.

It did got relatively well. I saw my daughter play trumpet first thing for Band and her class sang the Zamboni song which was cute. Plus I won't be scroogy and not mention how adorable the Jr & Sr Kindergardens always are.

I may be a bit scroogy but Christmas Concerts - been there, done that. Everyone has to do their time but why not do it with some comforts.

In the years past we always arrived close to start time, stood at the back of the gym, jammed in like sardines, where smells totally intermingled and not nicely. Parents seemed to send their hyper kids to the back fo the gym to annoy us. It was a like an unwritten rule.

Well I broke the code, survived and enjoyed.

Merry Christmas to all.

My people observations will follow at a later date - you get all kinds.

Bush Pig

So here's the scene this morning. Its crisp yet beautiful this morning. The snow had finally stopped falling, the roads were clear, there was a hint that there might even be some sun later in the day. My husband and I leave the house this morning like every other week day morning. Rushed, forgetting something but once we're on our way the going is good. We were almost out of our little Burb and entering the city when the most jaw dropping image passes me by. Its not very often I do double takes but that is exactly what I did this morning.

I tried to get my husband to catch back up to this vehicle in the other lane but as always when I see something, or someone he goes into slowdown mode. This usually applies to me wanting to wave like a loonie to someone driving by or stopping to check out something interesting put out to the curb* Needless to say I didn't get the picture to share here this evening.

Allow me to describe this for you without pictorial proof.

• Black Chev truck, older model, oversize tires, jacked up a little more than necessary but by no means a monster.

• Paint job actually looks like it had been painted black with a roller and then sprayed with a clear gloss paint.

• The windows are tinted illegal black at the sides and back

• There is a huge over sized white Chev logo on the back window.

• There is a mural.

Sure you see murals all the time you think, big deal. Okay picture this:

The truck drives by and I get a nice eyeful on the tail gate.

• First I see BUSH PIG........ this would be on the far right of the tail gate.
• Then my eyes are drawn to the centre of the tail gate.
• A blonde woman with long locks, big red lips and two big blue stars for nipple covers.

It was huge. I was not prepared for this image on the day predicted by economists to be the biggest shopping day of the Christmas season.
My head was actually reeling with the thought process that must have gone into this truck. I was half expecting to see names on the sides of the truck for 'his' and 'hers'.

The mural was surely unique. "Bush Pig" was painted like an after thought in rough brush strokes - yep brush strokes. The female with boob weaponry was painted with acrylics or something along those lines.

It was definitely 'folk' art.

I decided maybe there is more to the story of Bush Pig. I thought it was a little pig in South America but how wrong I was. It amazing what leads you to learn new things these days.

Of course I used my favorite search engine - Google to look up just what a Bush Pig is in todays lingo.

1. It is a little pig from parts of the Continent of Africa.

2. Near the top of the google search is the urban dictionary.

There were a few descriptions "extremely ugly, bitch with a face like a smashed crab" It goes one but I'll let those interested further their education by following the link. Its not flattering. I don't think the Muralist was going for that. In the Urban dictionary there are several derogatory terms for bush pig but there is also ONE definition of a really hot chick. This must be the thought process of the truck owner..... I just don't know.

3. Also in Google ANVIL has a song entitled Bush Pig. I've heard of Anvil but I'm not familiar with the lyrics. The lyrics have been removed for copyright reasons but I am pretty sure that it wasn't going to paint a woman in a very flattering image.

4. There is a group of Jeep, mud boggers in Central Ontario called Bush Pigs. They have 4x4's and get dirty. That actually looked like fun but these vehicles were all Jeep products so unless the Chev is having an identity crisis or wants to be part of the cool Bush Pig gang I don't think that this is what they were going for.

5. Some kind of fishing bait

6. A cross between a dirt bike and a skate board - actually looks kinda fun.

I assure you if I ever see this truck again I will snap a picture and if given the opportunity I will ask "why.... the mural" It could be a real Barbara Walters moment. Who knows.

I was thinking about the reactions of this persons friends when 'Carl' pulls up in his new truck.

Gee Carl, I'm sure glad you bought a truck. I was wondering how I was going to pick up some cords of wood at my in laws. Check out the back, why? On second thought I'll rent a truck Carl. I'd hate to scratch up that truck.

Teenage girl. Dad! "Do you really have to drop me off in front of the school!? I promise on my favorite pair of shoes, I will clean my room when I get home and clean the house,... and mow the lawn. Just please drop me a block away. I'll never be late again and ask you to drive me to school."

I could be assuming all wrong.

BUSH PIG might not be owned by a man at all.

I pray that this is the counter revolution to the Cougars..

Cougars - successful, sexy women over 40. Independent and really enjoys younger men's company.

Bush Pig - I work at McDonalds. I've got most of my teeth and I'll flash my tits at you in the drive-thru if you honk three times.

• Shudder.

*There is no shame in that.

Picture games

There is something wrong with this picture....~






~the hood is up and no one is around??? Very unusual circumstances.

Bean there done that

This has to be one of the funniest skits of the holidays.

(Enter your Diety here) Bless Rowan Atkinson.

Pop Q my ass.

Today as I lay on my couch recuperating from the terrible after affects of an office shared flu, I got a taste of daytime television. No not the soaps. I prefer a certain popular British soap that doesn't drag their story lines on for longer than a few months. American Daytime soaps can kill someone off 'technically' and drag the mystery out for years - yawn Stephano (enter other Villan here).

No this daytime extravaganza (since I don't have cable) was a show on CHCH or "E" Network out of Hamilton that airs country wide - Pop Q.

The scenario seems lively enough. Two, 30 something metrosexuals, gender distributed; had a lovely banter going on in between telling people to call in so they can call them back or text at a low cost of $2.00 and if that call or text was the 10th, they'd call you back.

So how many people just spent $20.00 and didn't get a call.

Think about it - Advertising isn't going to matter too much longer - just ask the folks at home their opinion and the response is instant with cash as well - its kind of evil genius and I wish I had thought about it.

No more shilling out to the likes of adult diapers, denture whitners and pet insurance during the daytime. Time will tell - remember no one was dumb enough in the 80s to pay for water unless you wanted to look pretentious with Perrier....

Back to my point, though the show is an HOUR long and they take one call between commerical breaks up to the last 5 minutes where they blitz. So...... instead of watching people across the country suck at game questions....... we get banter or what I like to call air fluff. Thats a funny shirt you are wearing - oh not as funny as the one I borrowed from you last week hahaha - Robots. The guy was seriously peacocking though with his belt buckle bling and yellow tuxedo shirt, metrosexual designer frames and spiky hair. Kinda cute but yawn again. The other host well.... she was... forgettable.

What was the most irksome was the quiz itself - Name the Top Christmas Specials of all time. You would think this was easy - NOT! First of all I don't know who they surveyed but really these people haven't watched much tv or they haven't watched tv before 2005 - they should have gone to family feud survey veterans.

Canucks were calling in with definitive classics such as Miracle on 32nd street (or is it 34th), The Grinch who stole Christmas, White Christmas, A Christmas Story(the best BTW), Its a Wonderful Life - WRONG!

See where I'm going with this... so finally the lowest scoring questions are found with several duh do - hints. Rudolph, Frosty and Santa Clause is Coming to Town????. Even more irksome - they finished the show without broadcasting the other questions. 10 shows out there and the above mentioned are not on this list - what is left. I googled the show to find the answers to what backwater town was surveyed and no such luck.

I can't beleive I wasted an hour of my day watching this but more so - I can't believe people tune in daily and run up their phone bills trying to get on to this show to win big jackpots of $100, $250 and $500. Its kinda like my regional Northern Ontario's longest running show - Big Money TV Bingo - that actually has more action then POPQ, you go to the store - you buy the bingo cards anywhere in the CTV region, you wait for Saturday at 630 (don't pee yourself with excitement and/or adult diapers) and you play for the entire 1/2 hour. There is a bit of chat in the way of community announcements but if there were to be 2 hosts on the show the bingo players would be irritated and revolt - its about the game bucko (thanks Happy Days) not you not so successful host that you are stuck here on a Saturday evening. I'm nasty - but I speak the truth as I see it.

Speaking of which Frosty the Snowman is on the CBC on Wednesday.

The Schwimmer

Talk about misconceptions. I was flicking through late night tv on the few channels we have and came across Burt Lancaster looking buff in swimming trunks and an obvious toupe frolicking with his ex- babysitter around a pool and onward to some snobby party before ending up in a horse corral pretending he was a horse??? I was rolling my eyes the entire time and since there was nothing else on, I stuck with it.

Well after the girls reaction to him and some of the other people he encounters shortly after I clued in that this wasn't beach blanket bingo. Having no way to find out the title of the movie until the end I waited, was intrigued by the ending and went in search of what I could find out about this movie. Oh and just for fun a 'young' Joan Rivers has a bit part in this movie. As a natural looking woman she is quite lovely - what she has done to herself in self mutilation and loathing over the years to appear youthful is very sad.

The Swimmer is a short story by John Cheever who was published in The New Yorker. The movie followed in 1968. A delusional Narcissistic man spends the day swimming across his valley and as the day progresses the illusion falters. A bit cheesy but actually a compelling story. I actually think this movie/story is worth a remake with a modern take. I don't want to give too much away but this is worth a second glance.

My first thought with Burt 'Neddy' frolicking in the meadow with his ex baby sitter was pathetic dirty old man - he doesn't see it that way. He see's himself as a god. I turned to my husband who was half asleep beside me and said that is exactly why we didn't have sitters when the kids were younger - I was joking of course... well kinda.

If you think about it though. Burt Lancaster was fantastically in his prime. The man was born in 1919 and was lean and buff and tanned in 1968 - for an old dude he was hot.

Out of Ideas for Christmas shopping.

Idea Generator

http://www.tdbspecialprojects.com/

I can't make this up on my own. Want something unusual for the folks who have everything? Why its gifts and services for the budding entrepreneur.

funny inflatable garden
salty carpets
comedic candy machine
eco-friendly flying furniture
expensive foam event
erotic paper art
hot handcrafted opera
inexpensive levitating hotel.

I could go on and on - more on this later.

That 'feel good' Restructure Speech

Well loads of fun for us. Monday my co-workers and I were all ushered into the boardroom for a National teleconference. This is not an uncommon event but it was odd that some not all staff were included.

Since I started in my vocation that pays the bills 7 some years ago I have seen the organization and the departments 'transform' several times. Its metamorphasis PART 'xyz' this time.

The Powers that be, I guess had to expense a trip to someplace warm together and while there decided to merge two departments that really have nothing to do with each other. Oh and this is such a great stretch for the organization, such exciting times because... gosh all our jobs are being reviewed.

Am I worried - sorta. Do I know what is going to happen - not a clue. My job is pretty specialized by that means NOTHING. I am smart but there are definitely some things monkeys can do.

The next 3 months are going to be very interesting. Not just structurally what will happen in the organization but the whole departmental gelling of staff. I can see post - Dynasty Crystal and Alexis cat fights, back stabbing and well the usual gossip. I am not above listening and taking it in because it could prove good fodder for examination at a later date.

This might be just the opportunity to jump start my career of 'something' else. I'm not going to sweat it out. Shoulda, woulda, coulda just doesn't work for me. I'll go with the flow and if the flow says move on out... I'll take my package and figure out the rest later.
I'm more concerned that I have less than 17 days to figure out how to keep my kittens (3) from destroying the tree, keep my father's dog away from the kittens, Christmas shop because I have nothing!!!!! and plan dinner - that makes me more crazy and anxious than any job uncertainty.

Why... I'm certain Christmas will be chaos and I'm not certain about anything further than that so why drive myself insane. Downsizing, Khizan, etc is all part of the global structure but opportunity can be made.

Yes this is another way to avoid thinking about Christmas.

Discovered how Bureacrats are reared

We have been making the social teas of late. Those lovely Christmas Teas and craft sales with the baked goods, the penny tables and raffles, raffles and more raffles. Truth be told my husband is the one leading the way. It seems there is a pipeline amongst the men in my community as to which Teas have the best "tool" - you know 'good stuff' draws.

The latest one we attended was the Cubscout and Beaver Tea. The price was right $3.00 each to get in with delicious baked breads (for the most part) and all you can drink half cups of coffee so the little ones don't spill themselves. The penny tables were full of gift certificates for Hardware, oil changes, pizza's, and pierogies - again 'the good stuff'. The handcrafts for sale were little birdhouses shaped like moose and toilet paper roll holders shaped like dogs and cats. Just all round kitch and cute.

My husband hankering for another 'half' cup of coffee also asked if he could get some more dessert breads and handed the young Beaver of Canada the plate and the little boy's response was priceless and telling.

Earnestly he looked at my husband with his big brown eyes, blue and and brown gilligan cap and said oh no Beavers don't clear the tables, Scouts clear tables. Let me get a scout. He scampers off and a scout shows up to whisk away the plate.

I guess they have to start them young but it reminded me of some of the silly workplace scenarios where you call one department and they say they don't do that - the logic is there that they 'should' do that but they have farmed that particular product or duty out. I guess preparing children at ages 5 to 7 for the realities of a globalized market is fair but do we really have to start them so young.

I wouldn't mind departmentalizing myself sometimes. Oh I am sorry, you would be wanting the chauffeur to drive you to the mall. What you need your favorite pair of jeans washed - well its the maids day off - its in her contract. Well the bus boy must be fired because these plates aren't going to walk from the table to the dishwasher by themselves. Interesting how you can be jack of all trades at home but departmentalized and jack shit help to the working public.

All kidding aside, get out there and support those social teas going on in your community. Taking a bead check on who was attending its not your grandmother's affair anymore with knit toilet paper cozies and pot holders. Its a young 30 to 50 something set, kids willing in tow - teenagers too grudgingly in all appearances but scarfing down the goodies all the same. The penny tables have your trashy Christmas knick knacks that you throw a few tickets in for a joke and win but they also have home appliances, tools, services. Its pretty great. If you do see some blue haired ladies there though, watch out because they are the pros of the teas. They have no problem scooting in front of you to plunk their tickets in and they seem to strategize just how many 'waves' of tickets to by. One sweet little thing in her early 80s said the trick was to buy tickets in three sets. Right at the beginning, in the middle and near the end just before the draw goes. It spreads the luck out. She walked away with the Home Hardware giftcertificates, Dinner for Two at The Keg and a nice toaster oven.

If life were only that simple.

Goodbye Santa

I still buy completely into the possibility that my 12 year old believes in Santa.

Yes its a little niave on my part but everyone plays along and it makes Christmas magical - but does she really believe.

Two years ago I knew for sure she believed in Santa Clause which for a 10 year old I had to pat myself on the back as a parent that I had been pretty slick at carrying on the illusion for that long. Years of making tracks from snow skis in the snow, nibbled carrots tossed in the front driveway of my parents, a vivid red and white ski sock left behind that Santa must have left by the fire to dry off, a torn piece of Santa's suit left in the upstairs firegrate. If you think about it Santa was pretty careless by the time he got to our place each year - must have been the rum spiced eggnogg.
As I said I knew for sure my daughter believed two years ago because we were sitting down to dinner three weeks before Christmas and she had brought her 'friend' A.B. along with her to warm up and have some soup since they had been building a snowboard jump all afternoon. Somehow Santa came up and A.B. states matter of factly "Oh there is no such thing as Santa. My parents buy the gifts and they play Santa." I wanted to quietly reach across the table and throttle the smug little puke but when I saw our Daughter's big eyes look at me for reassurance that his parents were nuts, he was daft... something I said what I had told my eldest years before and what my parents had told me....

"As long as you believe in Santa he will continue to come. Once the older kids in the house stop believing in the magic then yes parents have to continue along the illusion for that child so that cousins, younger siblings and friends continue to believe." A.B. said that was Bullshit. I told him to shut up. I'm usually such a nice mother but this kid was pissing me off.

That Christmas we took extra special effort to ensure Santa could land at my parents house. After landing on the roof this time (the logistics of skiing on a roof are not for the faint hearted), to raindeer poop (my Dad's dog went out on the deck, so we just added to the illusion), nibbled carrots, a boot print in the fireplace soot and a letter written in Santa's special text that thanked our Daughter for believing in the magic and importance of Christmas still. Family and sharing were the most important aspects. Children that no longer believed in him, which he was sad about but understood, could still carry on the magic of Christmas by doing good deeds for elderly neighbours and people living with less. She bought it.

There was no mention really last year and she's pretty quiet this year about it. If she 'believes' until she goes away to school that is just fine with me.

Accept you hot baldness

No the title is not leading into dirty strains.

I'm talking about men out there. Women find bald men hot. Women find men hiding or running from being bald and hot - NOT!




Take Brett Michaels. There was a lot of talk about what Brett was hiding under his hat this summer during his quest for "love" during VH1's Rock of Love.
Here is a gorgeous, and yes talented man who hides behind hats and bandana's. He's got the rocker look for sure. However he doesn't put it out there for all to see.

The burning question for many is.... 'Just what is under Brett's hat?"




I took this burning question and went to the NET, thanks to Google images, for my quest for alternatives to Brett's current look.


The swashbuckler's look doesn't just have to be for Captain Jack Sparrow. A bit of Color and well thats it. I think Brett or any aging HOT (yes hot but in need of help) rocker would appreciate the peacocking of beads to get the ladies attention. Just a thought but.... Do you think the members of Warrant now shake their heads in shame and shudder a little about "She's only 17..."


Just add a jaunty bandana and its off to the screaming crowds for autographs and beer (of which order is totally up to the aging rocker.)
I think Axel Rose would be more comfortable with this look but you know Brett could probably put him to shame. The nice thing about this little number is the hair and bandana come as a 'onsie' for easy application.


If the 70s pornstar, Welcome Back Carter, or Barney Miller look makes a come back the aging rockstar will be ready with this Borat influenced rendition. Pornstach can be grown for more authenticity.

Willie is busy helping out good pal Owen Wilson right now but he's always ready to help a farmer, so why not an aging rockstar. When (enter aging rockstar name here) is doing the single senior dwelling park club tours in a few years, he can keep his 'do' tidy with this ready made Golden locks a braided look. Thanks for taking that off my mind.






Joking aside. Bald is beautiful. If Brett does have something he's not sharing with the world that is his business. Women love him. The fans love him.

I just prefer this .....


















as hot.



Well,.....
.....there are some exceptions I guess.

Preparation for Rerun Hell

I'm sure the message boards are overloaded right now with network viewers lamenting the loss of current seasons of Ugly Betty, Men in Trees, Lost, Battlestar etc. I feel for them I really do. I support the wobblies right to strike but it also makes me have to decide what I'm going to do to entertain myself as the dark days of November creep onward into Christmas reruns of Charlie Brown and A Christmas Story - which is totally cool.

Will Reality shows stay on? Will more planned for later this year get moved in early and bump out strongholds such as House, Chuck and CSI? Do we care?

At the mention of the writers strike et al, I didn't really pay too much concern. I wasn't going to be attending a broadway show but then it hit this morning when checking my hotmail, Greys Anatomy and Lost aren't producing anymore shows until the strike is over... oh no! What will people do.

Families might actually have to buy more boardgames to have family game night more often - what a tragedy... Video rentals will shoot through the roof, TIVO will get stocked up, downloading shows from across the pond or across the border (bless the CBC) may pick up. Books might get opened. Chaos will ensue. Spouses might realize they like each other afterall.

Could the writers be taking a chance? Remember the NHL lockout? Did anyone care except for the owners and the players. An entire season went by and people survived and found other things to do. I quite enjoyed the Movie Night in Canada over Hockey Night in Canada. Maybe the networks will dig out some good old shows out of the vault to play other than Seinfeld and Law and Order. With the variety of things to do online will the writers have some leverage? I support them, really I do. Sometimes when you are getting the shaft collectively you just have to stand up and say "I'm pissed off and I'm not taking it anymore...." um cudos to the writer who came up with that amazing line. Support your writers. Even if you don't care because you are a reality junkie or knee deep in naked elves in Warcraft (I have no idea if there are elves in Warcraft - just a guess) give the networks a nudge. Without public pressure for networks to get back to the bargaining table - we could be stuck with Gilligan.

For now:

Dust off your boardgames
Renew your library membership (they have seasons of shows you haven't watched in dvd)
or omg... go outside and play.

Or better write a blog or an email instead of pressing FW: all the time.

Cheers for now.

Blog Virgin

I've been meaning to do this for ages. I've been lurking on other blogs or brilliantly summarizing something hilarious (to me) while drawing up spreadsheets but somehow always had an excuse ready as to why I'm not writing...

You know those ones - I'm tired; I'm at work and not in IT (a dig to my husband); the kids need something done; the house needs enter 'x,y, or z'; I'm tired; I'm facebooking (thats right add ing to anything and its a verb); I'm...

Well you can see in a nutshell I've broken the blog cherry today. Its just a matter of how often will those excuses win.

Its going to take a bit to figure out the quirks of this page. It has been ages since I've used HTML format (is that still used???), but I'm game to start. For years I had another love on the web and it sits idle mainly because it got boring for me. Other interests cropped up like learning how to crochet funny shapped blankets and hit and miss gardening in Northern Ontario. If you are interested in looking up some old 80s lyrics feel free to google my old website zelsparkbench or Zels80s lyrics because I can't even remember the exact address and I'm afraid if I go look it up I'll get side tracked and this blog will not get posted :)

Anywho, I warn you now people say I write like I talk. I'm not a grammatical genius and this isn't the page for inspiring prose but I do promise my brand of humour, my quirks and faults laid bare for all to see. Rlhcopper is ready to be exposed.