How to's from HR - coles notes on firing

I've acquired more space at work to keep valuable files on site. The only downside is that we have to clean the narrow cupboard out. Its hard to discern what is still practical for the organization after 20 years of 'shelving' but we've been making a go of it when our part time girl has some rare free time.

Today I asked her to archive and ship off all the documents from the back area. Many were boxed up already. She took most of the morning studiously boxing, sealing and filling the right forms to head off site. When the records manager learned the contents of the boxes they were sent back. Archival is for documents - not texts, binders etc. This is no fault to our girl - she is fairly new and did exactly what she was told. The fault is me for not checking the boxes myself.

Anyways, we started digging through the boxes and came across a group of booklets published by a little management group company that gives the coles note version on how to's. The one that really caught my eye was "How to Fire Someone".

I was actually surprised to see this tome because our organization rarely fires anyone. We believe in retraining and our recruitment group is pretty snap at getting an keep excellent 'talent'. For the ones that I've rolled out the red carpet for management to fire from pattern Monday Friday back door holidays (I'm cough sick), chronic specialist appointments monthly over years by a very healthy person, not showing up to work, skimming off the top by inflating training hours or end times... sigh - retrain - no firing. There have been lots of warnings over the years - I've skinned by without one but maybe I'm not a textbook coles notes case. So for an organization who does not fire as a first resort - why do we have this little gem.

Skimming through the index for "How to Fire Someone" I came across the section on Page 80 "What to do if they cry"; "What to do if they don't say anything"; and What to say if they get angry."

Believe it or not there is a script for a manager to use and the book makes if very clear to STICK TO THE SCRIPT.

If they cry... be prepared have tissues on hand and give them a minute or two but then "right... get back into it" Okay Juanita I totally understand you are upset but we must move on. Here is your settlement package.... blah blah blah." Pause every time they cry but get on with it.

If they don't say anything they give you options that you might be considering saying in the wall of silence

• wave your hand in front of their face to see if they are present
• wait them out
  
• give them a few moments of quiet to get over the shock but proceed
• bang your fist on the table to get their attention (yes that option was there)
• refer to your watch and say we must move on as the next restructured person will arrive in 20 minutes and there is a lot to cover.

There were a few others but I chuckled over the bullets. The tome of course said point three.

Thats as far as I got for today but I had a good laugh. It sounds like just the book that would be used in "The Office" to build morale during downsizing.

The next book I'm going to dig into is "The perfect Performance Review" Yeah those are swell.

Someone left behind the little golden book set of gutless management tools that I am going to have a ball deconstructing.

There just might be a desk drawer drinking game created from this for desktop pundits in the org. Every time the manager quotes "xyz" pull out the drawer and take a swig.

No I do not drink at my office... not yet anyways.