More signs your Mom is becoming a Desperate Housewife

Earlier this year I started a little series "Signs Your Mom is Becoming a Desperate Housewife"
I couldn't stop at just one. This is way too much fun.



To commemorate you passing your Grade 10 Biology Class she re-enacts the dissection of a frog using felt pieces.

Its pretty life like except for the formaldehyde which is good because that smell nearly made you loose your breakfast.






You come home from school and see your Grandparents old tv sitting in the living room. It looks like a puppet theatre for your little sister but no... its a hands on bar for her ladies bridge afternoons.

You are a little peturbed by this because the picture was still good enough to play your Dad's old Commador 64 games on.
Bummer.




You decide you are going to earn that Abercrombie and Fitch Hoodie you have been yearning for by helping your mom do the groceries. Its the least you can do. You don't have to lift a finger around the house.

All is going well until your mom decides to use up some of her spare change at the cash. She pulls out of her quilted patchwork purse her latest endeavour, a cassette tape change purse. The tape was no longer working but it had some good memories associated with it - why let it go to waste. The hottest kid in your class happens to be your cashier - yep you've earned your hoodie all right.


Now that Mom has every thing in the house that isn't attached cozie'd. Her latest project is uberwear for all the loose cords in the house.




There is a solution.

Buy her tickets to the ladies only Fireman's ball. Quickly.


*Housewives are important. But this is fun.

The Office Sneeze

There are two very nice people in my office that from time to time I want to take out and give them a face wash in the snowbank.

They have awful sneezes.

Everyone sneezes. You hear it all day long but these two grate on my nerves.

The first one is a lovely lady that actually squeaks like a mouse when she sneezes. SQUEAK! Just one. I've never actually heard her have multiple squeaks. Its over the top girly. She's a very prim and proper type of person - shes in Quality Assurance so it goes with the personality.

The last sneeze I heard yesterday I looked over at my co-worker who has a mind just like mine (god love her) and said...
"can you imagine if that is her Big sneeze what her big "O" must be like" I know inappropriate but that is moi.
I just can't imagine when she attempts such a lady like sneeze that she would be over the top "Oh God! Yes! Yes! Oooooooo!"

Nope it would be "o"

Then there is the dude. Nice guy but man he needs a total snowbank face wash. A few weeks ago on Oprah or the View ...one of those shows... they had a nasal channeler where you totally rinse out your clogged up nose. I would like to send him for further product testing of this product.

He doesn't actually sneeze. He in fact does not sneeze. It would probably create an explosion.

He honks.

He blows his nose and it sounds like an elephant is honking. He does this until the culprit from his lungs, no doubt, is dislodged.

Place your hands in a teepee and cup them over your nose and mouth.
Now make a sounds like you are giving a kid a giant zerpert (raspberry) on their belly. Hear how its channeled through your hands so its subdued but amplified at the same time....

Yeah he needs to be told.

How do you tell him without embarrasing both of you that his snorts are like fingernails on a chalkboard.

I'm thankful I can close my office door when he gets bad. He is out in the prarie pen of cubicles and his co-workers must just Looooove him.

I'm thinking anonymous note on the nasal draining gift.... get a clue dude.

Jelly jelly bo belly

I just had a flashback to 1984. I had to have these shoes. I bugged and bugged and then when we made a winter visit to Florida I managed to pick up a clear pair of these shoes at Target.

Biggest mistake I ever made in the fashion world of the 80s.

Worse then my dusty pink leg warmers, worse then my lace ode to Madonna material girl gloves, worse then lumber jackets in red plaid.

I worse these babies out of the store and was thrilled with finally owning a pair. I'd be the first in my group who all covetted the shoes that were jelly.

Within an hour my feet hurt. It was 80 degrees and humid. My feet swelled and all the little plastic lines on those shoes molded my feet into an interesting looking sculpture. Kinda like your face looks like after a night on a punched up pillow.
They also didn't breath so my feet on the inside were getting slimy and hot. When I finally took my shoes off gladly after a 2 hour walk back along the beach walkway to our hotel room my feet reeked. It was the nastiest smell that has ever come off my body - worse than fart.

It was bad. Of course, I couldn't let my parents know how much I now hated these shoes. I didn't want to get a told you so and if I coveted another item at a later time it would be game over in the "please, please, please I'll just die" round of getting what I THOUGHT I wanted.

Also please note the heels on these shoes.

I had to buy $500 orthodic inserts a few years ago because of a heel spur... I now believe these heels were the direct culprit to later years of pain. Walking should never be taken for granted but when you are a frivolous teenager footwear is about being cute - not smart.

If you see heels like these on any pair of shoes - DO NOT BUY.

So dear readers if you have never had the pleasure of wearing jelly shoes - trust me - you dont' want to go there. Not just for the pain ... the smell.

My sister Fang

There was a huge age difference between my sister and I growing up. I was older by her by 7 years and we had nothing in common except for the fact that she liked to follow me everywhere, copy everything I did and tell on me when the moment was right.... which was often. Don't get me wrong, there is no ill will towards Fang. She was just being a kid and kids love to tell their mothers what they saw and did that day. Out of the mouths of Fangs.

Why do I call her Fang. From about the age of 5 she started to develop these lovely pearly white incisors that hung a little bit over her lip. She had a bit of an overbit that was later corrected with expensive dentistry to create the most beautiful smile but at the time in my impatience with her and the need to label she was simply Fang. I knew she hated it and it was delicious.

Fang is scarred for life because of me.

I didn't do it on purpose - honest. She holds it over me to this day.

In our basement that was still relatively unfinished we had a lumpy bumpy old couch that was awesome to bounce on. I had my pal over one day who was the best tree climber I had ever met - and probably still is but Mato was raring to bounce. She had seen me in action and wanted to try something out she had seen on a trampoline by her older brothers.

I got on the one end and started to give a few good bounces. The couch was giving a lovely creaky noise that just added to our amusement (we were kids, we had not yet been introduced ot Porkys or the like of that thought process). Mato counted down the bounces and then hopped on herself opposite to my bounce. We really had the couch rocking then. Each bounce the other gave seemed to give the other one more lift. At the most inopportune moment Fang comes rushing into the room with her creepy doll Susie and sees us bouncing. Her eyes glittered with consipiracy and without a warning she was up in the middle of the couch and just like that back down on the unfinished cement floor on her head.

Mato and I stopped immediately. We were scared! Fang was letting out the most horrid of screams, the type that curl your toes. Come to think of it she could give Jamie Lee Curtis a run for her money.

My mother rushed in and saw the two of us looking as guilty as hell and Fang on the floor holding her now bleeding forehead while continuing to scream. Well the simplest of solutions happened very quickly after that.

I got sent to my room.
Mato got sent home.
Fang was whisked away to the hospital to come back a few hours later with a new ugly creepy doll, a popsicle and 4 stitches on her forehead.
The couch was pulled out to the curb much to my dismay, and it was gone on garbage day.

Fang knows how to ruin a good time - at least in the past she did. I'm still a little bitter that Mom wouldn't listen to reason about the couch. No questions asked - I was guilty by visual evidence alone. I wished Columbo (who I don't think was around in TV land yet) would come around and investigate to vindicate me and the couch. Fang came to her own forehead demise by her own actions.

On a cool aside its neat about the human head. Today Fang's scar is still on her head but it has somehow travelled to the back of her skull. Fang is kinda witchy.

Fang continued to mess up my cool childhood adventures like the time she got that stupid Cabbage Patch Doll... but that will have to wait for another time

New Popsicle flavour

Stores really need to think about how they are abbreviating their product codes.

My co-worker was looking over her receipt from an errand and started laughing.

She didn't realize she bought Ass popsicles.

So was a focus group sitting around thinking of new flavours? What haven't we covered lately. Is there a market we can corner? Keen intern looks up from taking scrupulous notes. "oh I know... I love licking ass but its a bit hot and sweaty in the summer. If we could get a summer flavour this would sell well in the 25 to 55 gay male market."

Of course the store meant Assorted Popsicles which is hilarious for me.

Things that Grind my gears

I have no use for time suckers at work.

There is a time and a place for fun at work but some of the chit chat that goes on is mind boggling. One of our managers is the worst offender.

This lovely lady comes in fashionably late, leaves early and takes 2 hour lunches. Fine - her time not mine no biggie. What drives me nuts is when she does eventually stroll into work she visits before she puts a foot in her office. Its shoes its dogs. One day my office partner timed her. She stood at another co-workers door for an hour and 20 minutes talking about their dogs.

Okay big deal but its the door way chit chat that pisses me off. I believe in an open door policy for my group and half the time I have to close my door to hear myself think.

I don't care about your shoes, your dogs (I like dogs), your latest purchase after a 2 hour lunch of shopping.

And then she wonders at 330 where the days has gone. The sad thing is she doesn't realize what a time sucker she is.

Blow up doll for jr

You wouldn't necessarily expect blowup dolls in the children's toy section of Zellars but then we'd be wrong.

Browsing about while the kids looked for ways to blow their allowance the fastest I came across this 'interesting' looking toy.

First look you're thinking how rude right? That was my thought exactly.
It looks phallic.

Whats more they want you to actually place your lips over this uncircumcised end of the toy.... and blow.

Someone has a sick mind. But....

...when blown up its actually kind of cool. My husband had no problem wrapping his lips around this toy and letting loose.

It makes a rude noise when deflating too. We didn't let it go but I can imagine it flies all over the place like a balloon.

The phallic thing is still disturbing but I guess its better blowing at the 'mouth' end then the 'tail' end.

I think a 7 year old boy would think this is the coolest toy. Great to gross out and impress his friends but still has the innocence (hopefully) to not realize how dirty this toy is.

Okay so its my sick mind.

So you are wondering where you can get one right.

I'm sure if they are in Zellars in Canada, then they are probably in Target or K-Mart in the US.

They are called Punchball Critters.

So buy one, blow them up if you can keep from giggling and punch away.