All Day Coffee Break

Things that Grind my gears #6

2008-06-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

I think this is the worst offender so far.

the most irritating thing of late is that we have found this lovely little eatery in my neighborhood that makes great food, great atmosphere and its easy on the pocket book. What I don't like is paying to hear this one woman who sits wayyyyyyyy over on the other side of the restaurant talking to some person at the next table. She has one level of intonation - loud. We all get to hear her share what she and Joe did that day in painful detail.

We now have made a habit of walking into the restaurant, taken a look around to make sure said loud lady is not in residence and if she is we leave. I've been tempted to give my cellphone number to the nice server there to call us when the lady leaves.

Some people are loud occasionally and thats okay. Loud talkers that are in love with themselves and their voices need to experience some time out in public places.

Why can't I just go up to her and ask her to "shut the F!!! up" nicely of course.

More signs your Mom is becoming a Desperate Housewife #3

2008-06-22T09:08:00.000-04:00

Back again for another monthly chuckle at that Crafty Desperate Housewife.

If you haven't read the posts before, here are some signs that your Mother might be on her way to becoming a Desperate Housewife.

You bring your new sweetheart home after school to do a little light studying in the dining room. You walk in expecting quiet tranquility only to discover while you have been at school all day, mom has been busy on yet another one of her 'recycle' projects.

She excitedly shows your sweetie how the milk jugs have been converted to light up the room adding ambiance or for some a need for the other milk. Milk of magnesia.

You decide to raid the fridge for a few necessary snacks while studying.

Mom has been busy again raiding the neighbourhood recycling bins to make these magnet gems. Groceries are usually found on the 'inside' of the fridge but not in your house.

In trying to foster a little togetherness with your Dad, mom has created something special to attend the guns and ammo show at the exhibition Centre this week.

Her own machine gun annie version purse complete with a slot for the cellphone where the ammo catridge should go. (I think).

To surprise Dad this year for Christmas, Mom pulled out all the stops. She's been working hard on his snowmobile helmet. Its only June but its never too early to start getting into the swing of Christmas when you are becoming an ever more desperate housewife.

Dad is going to be speechless about the changes to his helmet.

If the above evidence hasn't been enough to convince you of your mom's looming condition.

She's started cozi'ng the neighbourhood.

Desperation is not far off now.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Instead call a strippergram for your mom.... NOW!

Things that Grind my gears #5

2008-06-20T10:05:00.000-04:00

Well today.... what really grinds my gears is going to a web page and there is a big flashy message telling me two of my contacts have a crush on me.

First of all I get quickly psyched. Yes I momentarily fall for it... just a little...

It makes me curious... well who might have a crush one me??? Hello I've been married for 15 years who cares right... well for the ego its kinda cool.

Of course its an add not directed at me but for one millisecond I kinda want to push that button.

So lets say this certain page does know its me coming to look up spools of thread (boy they are better than Kresgin) and they just happen to know that a certain someone has been Blogging in Draft how much they ache to tell me they are so into 'me'.
Do I really want to know? What if its my best friend opposite sex. That would make for some tense uncomfortable times the next time we see each other. Hey there Bob the reason your my best friend and not my lover is because well... you just don't do it for me that way. Even worse would be my friend of my own gender. I have no problem with people's sexuality but for how much I don't want to have naughty thoughts about the platonic men in my life, its 10 times more to the extreme that I don't want to have those thoughts about my girls.

One of these days I'll press that button though, I'll be fed up and just go to the link. Kill the curiosity for once and for all.

Still for the Ego - its nice to know even for a millisecond that maybe someone likes me... I mean they really REALLY like me.

Cheers

Fangs alot sis

2008-06-14T09:34:00.003-04:00

A while ago I had posted a story about my lovely sister Fang. Although there was a huge age difference between us as children we both are grown adults now with kids of our own and get some laughs out of the old days. Water under the bridge and fodder for the Blog.

Recap - Fang was a tattle tale, tag along young sister who always seemed to be getting her self into situations by messing with me at the wrong place and time.

Why do I call her Fang. From about the age of 5 she started to develop these lovely pearly white incisors that hung a little bit over her lip. She had a bit of an overbit that was later corrected with expensive dentistry to create the most beautiful smile but at the time in my impatience with her and the need to label she was simply Fang. I knew she hated it and it was delicious.

For the record I have and still do HATE dolls. They creep me way out with their beedy little blinky eyes and the way the follow you with their eyes no matter where you are in the room. This is before Chucky but chills go up my spine none the less.

For Christmas one year my sister got a Cabbage Patch Doll. This thing is ugly as sin but as Bloggers and readers may well remember the need to get a Cabbage Patch Doll created riots among perfectly nice housewifes and also a Toy Black Market for the little creatures. If you were lucky enough to have had a loved one beat off a kindly Grandma to get you that doll, you were one of the lucky ones. Many kids went without little adoption papers that Christmas. My mom and Aunt must have had a game plan and wore protective equipment to get ...ugh.... Katie at Stedmans.

Katie made her debut Christmas morning at the same time I was unwrapping my prized Back in Black AC/DC album. I could care less about her crappy doll. Ugh another one oh well lets play this little treasure and watch the parents faces. I still remember that scratchy needle sound just before the church bells started to ding. I think my mother might have said oh choir music how lovely before her jaw dropped to Hells Bells. Priceless. Okay back to Katie.

This thing had brown yarn hair and an overbite that far surpassed Fangs. No teeth showing though. The difference between all the other dolls and this one though is that Katie developed a personality. She "talked" through my sister in a really whiny snitty voice. And Katie.... like to talk to Auntie RLHCopper... a Lot.

I put up with that little demon spawn all winter.... all spring.... all summer in the boat and at the cottage.... but ....somewhere on the Interstate I75 on the way to Florida that late Fall I had had enough of Katie yapping on and on about 'anything' in that voice.

I don't know how my parents tolerated that 'talking' doll at that time and to this day I think they secretly thanked me for what I did next.

Katie kept talking to me. She kept nudging over on to my side of the car. That little arm rest that went down in our 77 Tornado was supposed to be a clear dividing line about space but no - Katie did not have space issues. She created space issues. Very calmly and I think this might have been Tennessee or Kentucky because we were in the mountains, I started to press the button to bring the window down. It was locked.

Dad can you give me some air... I feel sick. Dad who was used to me feeling and ... getting sick was quick to unlock the power windows from the front and let me bring the window down.

In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Houston we have lift off... I grabbed Katie from my sister and threw her out of the window in a beautiful arch that landed her right in the meridian of 8 lane traffic. It was worth the punishment I got. It was delicious in those moments to watch Katie fly across traffic, doging cars and trucks and my sister was....silent.

That my friend is American Beauty - not a shopping bag in floating on air current. Nope its an ugly talking Cabbage Patch Doll going for her first flight.

Dad pulled over and my poor mother had to dodge traffic to get Katie back. Katie however did not come back into the car. Instead she went into the trunk. Katie was only allowed out at bedtime and she had to be quiet.

I lost my Walkman.... oh well. I lost my soap opera privlidges -oh well I found out from Friends about Roman and Marlena's wedding (the first one back in 1982 or so.... I had beach time,,,, and no Katie.

Things that Grind my gears #4

2008-06-09T09:50:00.002-04:00

Line hoppers really make me steam.

Its that sense of entitlement that I think gets me completely. I think most people have been in a line at a store and just chuckle if a small child jumps to the front of the que. They have no concept for waiting their turn.

Some people never do learn to wait their turn.

There are two parties in this group that will create a tight grimace on my face. The people that walk in the middle of two defined lines and walk right up to the cashier to have their order taken. I have been pleased more then once when an aware attendant has sent that person packing to the back of the line but for the most part this does not happen.

The other party that should get the big boot to the ass though is the co-conspirator. We've all been here. We have so many minutes to dash out grab a quick coffee and get back to our desk. Some schlub in front of you suddenly see's their friend walk into the store and waves them over. Hey bud in behind me, its totally cool or... what are you ordering I'll get it for you. We've all seen it and maybe we've all been guilty of this but come on... we all had to wait our turn... what makes Dude so special?

Why am I talking about this today... well this very situation happened only "Dude" had a list from his co-workers of 15 coffee's.

I think I might re-join the coffee club at work. So some people make tea coloured coffee and others can strip paint with theirs... its probably better for my blood pressure.

Things that Grind my gears #3

2008-05-31T09:41:00.000-04:00

The next person who jams the photocopier and then walks away leaving a big mess is going to get hurt real bad... in my mind anyways.

I have to ask... why do people do this. You jam it, you follow the pictures, pull out the paper from said doors and viola you are back in business.

What is going to happen when the day comes and the "someone else can fix it" person doesn't come to work.

Oh my god the day is over. Work will stop, people will hover in the halls looking off in the distance for that person to come but never making contact with another because that would mean co-ownership.

I think these people are the same people that had their mom's clean their room. Part of them is still a slack ass teenager at heart.

Things that Grind my gears #2

2008-05-25T09:34:00.000-04:00

Again with the work theme:

Time suckers... part duh.

There is a lovely young lady at work that is totally in love with her little girl. Trust me, EVERYONE knows about this because that is ALL we hear.

I have a great rapport with my co-workers and we talk about a wide range of topics throughout the day... while still doing our work.

This little lady doesn't start work by booting up her computer, oh no that would be 'productive'. This little lady comes in at 815 everymorning and shares the cutest thing her daughter did with at least 3 different offices...

I like the girl don't get me wrong. I also like kids. This gear grinding thing is possibly making me out to be a kurmudgeon but seriously can't people work and share??? My time is extremely valuable and I try to maximize every minute I have.

Stopping to talk to you about the same thing everyday... really grinds my gears. If you stopped me to discuss the price at the pumps or some jack off cut you off you'd have my ears. To hear that precious blew bubbles even bigger then yesterday... that news you should save for her Grandma.

More signs your Mom is becoming a Desperate Housewife

2008-05-22T08:36:00.001-04:00

Earlier this year I started a little series "Signs Your Mom is Becoming a Desperate Housewife"
I couldn't stop at just one. This is way too much fun.

To commemorate you passing your Grade 10 Biology Class she re-enacts the dissection of a frog using felt pieces.

Its pretty life like except for the formaldehyde which is good because that smell nearly made you loose your breakfast.

You come home from school and see your Grandparents old tv sitting in the living room. It looks like a puppet theatre for your little sister but no... its a hands on bar for her ladies bridge afternoons.

You are a little peturbed by this because the picture was still good enough to play your Dad's old Commador 64 games on.
Bummer.

You decide you are going to earn that Abercrombie and Fitch Hoodie you have been yearning for by helping your mom do the groceries. Its the least you can do. You don't have to lift a finger around the house.

All is going well until your mom decides to use up some of her spare change at the cash. She pulls out of her quilted patchwork purse her latest endeavour, a cassette tape change purse. The tape was no longer working but it had some good memories associated with it - why let it go to waste. The hottest kid in your class happens to be your cashier - yep you've earned your hoodie all right.

Now that Mom has every thing in the house that isn't attached cozie'd. Her latest project is uberwear for all the loose cords in the house.

There is a solution.

Buy her tickets to the ladies only Fireman's ball. Quickly.

*Housewives are important. But this is fun.

The Office Sneeze

2008-05-16T07:44:00.002-04:00

There are two very nice people in my office that from time to time I want to take out and give them a face wash in the snowbank.

They have awful sneezes.

Everyone sneezes. You hear it all day long but these two grate on my nerves.

The first one is a lovely lady that actually squeaks like a mouse when she sneezes. SQUEAK! Just one. I've never actually heard her have multiple squeaks. Its over the top girly. She's a very prim and proper type of person - shes in Quality Assurance so it goes with the personality.

The last sneeze I heard yesterday I looked over at my co-worker who has a mind just like mine (god love her) and said...
"can you imagine if that is her Big sneeze what her big "O" must be like" I know inappropriate but that is moi.
I just can't imagine when she attempts such a lady like sneeze that she would be over the top "Oh God! Yes! Yes! Oooooooo!"

Nope it would be "o"

Then there is the dude. Nice guy but man he needs a total snowbank face wash. A few weeks ago on Oprah or the View ...one of those shows... they had a nasal channeler where you totally rinse out your clogged up nose. I would like to send him for further product testing of this product.

He doesn't actually sneeze. He in fact does not sneeze. It would probably create an explosion.

He honks.

He blows his nose and it sounds like an elephant is honking. He does this until the culprit from his lungs, no doubt, is dislodged.

Place your hands in a teepee and cup them over your nose and mouth.
Now make a sounds like you are giving a kid a giant zerpert (raspberry) on their belly. Hear how its channeled through your hands so its subdued but amplified at the same time....

Yeah he needs to be told.

How do you tell him without embarrasing both of you that his snorts are like fingernails on a chalkboard.

I'm thankful I can close my office door when he gets bad. He is out in the prarie pen of cubicles and his co-workers must just Looooove him.

I'm thinking anonymous note on the nasal draining gift.... get a clue dude.

Jelly jelly bo belly

2008-05-15T07:31:00.003-04:00

I just had a flashback to 1984. I had to have these shoes. I bugged and bugged and then when we made a winter visit to Florida I managed to pick up a clear pair of these shoes at Target.

Biggest mistake I ever made in the fashion world of the 80s.

Worse then my dusty pink leg warmers, worse then my lace ode to Madonna material girl gloves, worse then lumber jackets in red plaid.

I worse these babies out of the store and was thrilled with finally owning a pair. I'd be the first in my group who all covetted the shoes that were jelly.

Within an hour my feet hurt. It was 80 degrees and humid. My feet swelled and all the little plastic lines on those shoes molded my feet into an interesting looking sculpture. Kinda like your face looks like after a night on a punched up pillow.
They also didn't breath so my feet on the inside were getting slimy and hot. When I finally took my shoes off gladly after a 2 hour walk back along the beach walkway to our hotel room my feet reeked. It was the nastiest smell that has ever come off my body - worse than fart.

It was bad. Of course, I couldn't let my parents know how much I now hated these shoes. I didn't want to get a told you so and if I coveted another item at a later time it would be game over in the "please, please, please I'll just die" round of getting what I THOUGHT I wanted.

Also please note the heels on these shoes.

I had to buy $500 orthodic inserts a few years ago because of a heel spur... I now believe these heels were the direct culprit to later years of pain. Walking should never be taken for granted but when you are a frivolous teenager footwear is about being cute - not smart.

If you see heels like these on any pair of shoes - DO NOT BUY.

So dear readers if you have never had the pleasure of wearing jelly shoes - trust me - you dont' want to go there. Not just for the pain ... the smell.

My sister Fang

2008-05-14T09:14:00.001-04:00

There was a huge age difference between my sister and I growing up. I was older by her by 7 years and we had nothing in common except for the fact that she liked to follow me everywhere, copy everything I did and tell on me when the moment was right.... which was often. Don't get me wrong, there is no ill will towards Fang. She was just being a kid and kids love to tell their mothers what they saw and did that day. Out of the mouths of Fangs.

Why do I call her Fang. From about the age of 5 she started to develop these lovely pearly white incisors that hung a little bit over her lip. She had a bit of an overbit that was later corrected with expensive dentistry to create the most beautiful smile but at the time in my impatience with her and the need to label she was simply Fang. I knew she hated it and it was delicious.

Fang is scarred for life because of me.

I didn't do it on purpose - honest. She holds it over me to this day.

In our basement that was still relatively unfinished we had a lumpy bumpy old couch that was awesome to bounce on. I had my pal over one day who was the best tree climber I had ever met - and probably still is but Mato was raring to bounce. She had seen me in action and wanted to try something out she had seen on a trampoline by her older brothers.

I got on the one end and started to give a few good bounces. The couch was giving a lovely creaky noise that just added to our amusement (we were kids, we had not yet been introduced ot Porkys or the like of that thought process). Mato counted down the bounces and then hopped on herself opposite to my bounce. We really had the couch rocking then. Each bounce the other gave seemed to give the other one more lift. At the most inopportune moment Fang comes rushing into the room with her creepy doll Susie and sees us bouncing. Her eyes glittered with consipiracy and without a warning she was up in the middle of the couch and just like that back down on the unfinished cement floor on her head.

Mato and I stopped immediately. We were scared! Fang was letting out the most horrid of screams, the type that curl your toes. Come to think of it she could give Jamie Lee Curtis a run for her money.

My mother rushed in and saw the two of us looking as guilty as hell and Fang on the floor holding her now bleeding forehead while continuing to scream. Well the simplest of solutions happened very quickly after that.

I got sent to my room.
Mato got sent home.
Fang was whisked away to the hospital to come back a few hours later with a new ugly creepy doll, a popsicle and 4 stitches on her forehead.
The couch was pulled out to the curb much to my dismay, and it was gone on garbage day.

Fang knows how to ruin a good time - at least in the past she did. I'm still a little bitter that Mom wouldn't listen to reason about the couch. No questions asked - I was guilty by visual evidence alone. I wished Columbo (who I don't think was around in TV land yet) would come around and investigate to vindicate me and the couch. Fang came to her own forehead demise by her own actions.

On a cool aside its neat about the human head. Today Fang's scar is still on her head but it has somehow travelled to the back of her skull. Fang is kinda witchy.

Fang continued to mess up my cool childhood adventures like the time she got that stupid Cabbage Patch Doll... but that will have to wait for another time

New Popsicle flavour

2008-05-13T07:25:00.002-04:00

Stores really need to think about how they are abbreviating their product codes.

My co-worker was looking over her receipt from an errand and started laughing.

She didn't realize she bought Ass popsicles.

So was a focus group sitting around thinking of new flavours? What haven't we covered lately. Is there a market we can corner? Keen intern looks up from taking scrupulous notes. "oh I know... I love licking ass but its a bit hot and sweaty in the summer. If we could get a summer flavour this would sell well in the 25 to 55 gay male market."

Of course the store meant Assorted Popsicles which is hilarious for me.

Things that Grind my gears

2008-05-12T09:28:00.001-04:00

I have no use for time suckers at work.

There is a time and a place for fun at work but some of the chit chat that goes on is mind boggling. One of our managers is the worst offender.

This lovely lady comes in fashionably late, leaves early and takes 2 hour lunches. Fine - her time not mine no biggie. What drives me nuts is when she does eventually stroll into work she visits before she puts a foot in her office. Its shoes its dogs. One day my office partner timed her. She stood at another co-workers door for an hour and 20 minutes talking about their dogs.

Okay big deal but its the door way chit chat that pisses me off. I believe in an open door policy for my group and half the time I have to close my door to hear myself think.

I don't care about your shoes, your dogs (I like dogs), your latest purchase after a 2 hour lunch of shopping.

And then she wonders at 330 where the days has gone. The sad thing is she doesn't realize what a time sucker she is.

Blow up doll for jr

2008-05-11T07:11:00.002-04:00

You wouldn't necessarily expect blowup dolls in the children's toy section of Zellars but then we'd be wrong.

Browsing about while the kids looked for ways to blow their allowance the fastest I came across this 'interesting' looking toy.

First look you're thinking how rude right? That was my thought exactly.
It looks phallic.

Whats more they want you to actually place your lips over this uncircumcised end of the toy.... and blow.

Someone has a sick mind. But....

...when blown up its actually kind of cool. My husband had no problem wrapping his lips around this toy and letting loose.

It makes a rude noise when deflating too. We didn't let it go but I can imagine it flies all over the place like a balloon.

The phallic thing is still disturbing but I guess its better blowing at the 'mouth' end then the 'tail' end.

I think a 7 year old boy would think this is the coolest toy. Great to gross out and impress his friends but still has the innocence (hopefully) to not realize how dirty this toy is.

Okay so its my sick mind.

So you are wondering where you can get one right.

I'm sure if they are in Zellars in Canada, then they are probably in Target or K-Mart in the US.

They are called Punchball Critters.

So buy one, blow them up if you can keep from giggling and punch away.

Fantasy room

2008-05-10T08:55:00.000-04:00

This winter season of Big Brother 9 was different to say the least but what thrilled me to bits about the 'house's' set up was the new room.

Here is a girls dream room next to a room filled with shoes.

Never mind the sauna, never mind the massage table.

Feast your eyes on the wall of nail polishes. A room just for girly pampering is right up my alley.

On a side note - I'm disappointed that Joshy didn't win :(

Weird Names to live under

2008-05-09T14:00:00.000-04:00

My father was born in an odd named little village but he was also surrounded by odd sounding names for family members, by today's standards.
Birth place - Ardbeg Canada. Relative names - Rufus, Burley, Melville, Herman, Marcus, Samuel. Very stoic sounding names. I always chuckled over Ardbeg, the way the syllables rolled off my tongue as I said it.

As my world expanded so did the list of names out there that I have been fortunate enough not to have cheques printed up with these addresses.

Flushing, NY
French Lick, Indiana
Blue Balls, Pennsylvania
Tittybong, Australia
Climax, North Carolina
Bastard, ON
Dildo, Newfound Land
Sugar Tit, South Carolina
Cumming, Georgia
Kiester, Minnesota
Nimrod, Minnesota
Disco, Michigan
Fuk Man Road, Hong Kong China
Crackpot, UK
Cooter, Missouri
Tightwad, Missouri
Colon, Michigan
Noodle, Texas
Bippus, Indiana
Chicken, Alaska
Dick Lick Springs, Arkansas
Experiment, Georgia
Meat Cove, Nova Scotia
Nameless, Texas

Boring Maryland - think of National Lampoons Vegas Vacation with the Dam tour guide only now think of the poor tour guide in Boring. Now to be just a little bit more devilish - the tour guide has Ben Steins flat voice from Ferris Buellers Day off.
"Welcome to Boring Maryland. This is your Boring tour. On the left please note the Boring Playhouse where member of Boring purvey their Boring acting skills. Over here on the right you will find the Boring Court house and Boring jail where... you guessed it.... nothing happened." Talk about an uphill battle for job satisfaction for that poor duff.

The best one though is without a doubt

Fucking - Austria

Remember kids - safety first.

Come on down to the Fucking Festival.

Back Door Guests are Always Best....

2008-05-08T10:27:00.004-04:00

I couldn't believe my eyes when I came across this little country kitchen craft jem.

I'm kicking myself for not buying it. I should have bought if for the inlaws. They'd have no idea what the connotation is and the looks their guests would give them would be priceless.

My friend also said I should have got it for him for his condo door. He's competing against a sea of flower wreathes and this screams him :) Sorry Bud.

Great coffee sleeve

2008-05-07T07:58:00.000-04:00

I am so guilty of asking for a double cup at my local coffee chain.

The thin paper burns my fingers and some places don't offer a sleeve at all.

This little gem is a fantastic idea. When you aren't carrying a coffee you can wear this attractive coffee sleeve as a wrist cuff.

The downside is that the makers of this attractive sleeve aka bracelet cuff is that its expensive.

I've been on some crafty blogs lately and have seen a much cheaper solution either sewn or knitted. So if you are a little bit crafty here is a great idea to make something pretty and environmental. If you aren't crafty there are friends out there that are.

Even better though, carry a plastic coffee container. Okay if you are like me this isn't always convenient - the cuff is a great thing.

Pull up your pants!

2008-05-06T07:32:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to understand the male pant trend for the past 15 years.

Why do nice young men walk around with their drawers showing. Really guys - give yourself some self respect. Buy some pants that fit comfortably and invest in a belt. I've seen some extremes over the years. I can't understand how one can even comfortably walk with their pants at their knees.

Nice kids are spending their parents hard earned dollars on expensive BIG jeans but then they have to go and hack off half the pants because they are way too long when you are zipping at the knees.

Stop the insanity. I'm not saying go out and buy a pair of skinny leg jeans, baby steps are necessary here. Buy your size in a nice straight cut and voila - you look like a grown up.

I am a teenager of the 80s. I grew up having to lie down to zip up my jeans (okay not so healthy) and the guys did just the same. I have to say I loved the view of the 80s, fashion faux paux's and all. I mean we had tight tight jeans which defined a nice ass. Even men with no ass had a somewhat nice ass.

There were tight jeans! Okay wayyyy too tight but we were on a learning curve.

There were spandex (boo) a little over the top but the hair bands pulled it off.

There were painter jeans!

There was acid wash jeans (okay that was bad but they fit at least).

Now you just can't tell who has a butt and who doesn't. Mind you I don't have any interest in the age group wearing those pants but still... guys think of the girls in your cohort. They need to see the merchandise.

Eventually boys... there will come a day when you are going to get totally comfortable with yourself and wear your pants up to your chest - its inevitable.

Make peace with the pants.

The big commute question

2008-05-05T07:13:00.003-04:00

I am not a morning person.

I recently did my taxes and came across a credit I hadn't been aware of. For residents of my Province, monthly bus passes can be written off in a proportion towards your total tax credit. Anything I can do to not pay so much to the taxman is cool with me. So the wheels have been turning.

When gas reached a $1.25 a litre this week and with the news that its only going to keep creeping to over $1.50 by mid summer it would be stupid of me not to take this opportunity to save at the pumps and at the taxman.

The downside - I hate our public transit system in my city. The buses come at odd times and where we live to get to the centre you have to seriously plan your day the night before.

My morning routine is to hit snooze 5 times, drag my butt down the stairs to a nicely brewed cup of coffee, jump in the shower and grab my lunch and breakfast on the fly out the door. If I do start commuting on the bus I'll have to set the alarm a half hour before I do now. NOT hit snooze at all. Hustle my butt out the door. What I loose is time with my daughter in the morning and the afternoon. I will loose that precious hour.

I'm trying to convince myself of the plus side.

save money at the pumps, only use the car for evening kid based activities and groceries.
environmentally responsible
tax write off
time to read a book
meet 'different' people
less wear and tear on the car
did I say environmentally friendly.... I'm really working here
I can sit with my spouse who is working his way up to this commuting thing.
the weather will be nice. I can't quite bring myself to wait for a bus in a snow bank at minus 20 just yet.

So in the near future... I'll be joining the masses.

I can also probably afford a tank or two to head to the cottage this summer. Win win really.

The scariest thing ever

2008-05-04T06:49:00.002-04:00

If I woke up to this I would be in need of instant Therapy. I am not a fan of dolls. Barbie does not creep me out but little dolls with blinking eyes are just WRONG on so many levels.

This was someone's art exhibit and if their intent was to horrify well they are good.

This is like a mini Night of the Living Dead. "Brains"

Maybe to someone these are cute but look at their cold dead eyes.

Creepy.

Time to dig deep in the garden

2008-05-03T06:56:00.000-04:00

I am over the moon that the weather had finally gotten warm enough to stick my somewhat rusty old garden tools back in the earth.

Last year we started expanding one level of our lot into a garden fit for a summer long feast. We started with three rows for Leeks, grape tomatoes and herbs. The Leeks didn't work so well, they were small but still delicious to cook with all winter. I chopped up what survived and froze them. The grape tomatoes were much bigger than what you would get in the grocery store and way sweeter and salty. These little gems didn't make it to the table past summer, my kids were eating them right out of the garden. I didn't really mind because it meant it was less time eating at the candy store. They were better than Candy. I planted only 4 cucumber plants because expert gardeners had warned me that these plants can really take over your garden. I should have planted 40 plants because I only got about 8 cucumbers off the entire group. I was also impatient and picked them when they were somewhat small. I may have picked the wrong cucumber - English - but it was neat how they grew. They curled.

I also had some herbs. Friends were only too willing to pass along basil, thyme and chives. I added Rosemary and a chili thyme that had small leaves but gave a big punch in my cooking and just alone in a garden salad. I didn't have as much luck with my dill. It grew tall and weedy which I'm not sure it should have and it also went to seed. I've got to good Dill because it is such a great way to punch up a boring bowl of mashed potatoes.

So this year I'm trying to decide what to grow again. I'm definitely expanding to do three rows of just different types of tomatoes. They are such a big part of our winter cooking - which also means I'm going to have to investing in some canning jars and lids to save them for the winter (if they make it that far).
I'm dividing up another row for green beans and sugar snap peas. I think I might need to make some kind of trellis for this though as I've seen sugar peas climbing.

I'm going to grow cucumbers and yellow zucchini too. I'm not very comfortable planting in the ground so carrots and other tubers are out. Some of our lot does have tailings dust from the old form of mining so the thought of my children putting that in their mouths doesn't sit well with me.

Any suggestions?

My super awesome Rink making Dad

2008-05-02T20:43:00.002-04:00

It was the winter of either 1979 or 1980. I was obsessed with skating after watching Dorothy Hamil skate in the winter Olympics. I wanted to skate 24-7. Well I was a little bit too young to go down to the rink by myself and my parents were busy most evenings with things kids don't get. Things like paying bills, making supper, arranging playdates for the younger sibling, downtime from work. They ran us around 3 nights a week already with skating, dance and brownies so the 2 nights they had free - they actually wanted to have something still not quite heard of, especially for mom's in the late 70's ..."me time".

But wait it was all about me wasn't it?

Anyways, my Dad has always encouraged us to do whatever it is we dream of doing and he always tried to give us the tools to do so. He was a busy man with a busy Accounting practice and in the winter he adjusted his hours to work at his peak times - noon to about 3am from January to April. He was home for supper for about 2 hours but then gone again after a quick goodnight kiss and a tuck into bed. But I guess I must have really inspired him or pestered him to the point of sanity because one night not long after we were back to school in January he went out to the front of our driveway and started shovelling the unused summer side. My sister and I dragged on our snowsuits to go out and help but more so watch in fascination as he marked off a perfect 20 foot rectangle with sticks and string.

What are you doing Daddy?

You'll see.

He smoothed out the bottom surface and told us to stay out of the square. It was getting pretty cold and his engineering prowes although neat was getting boring so we went inside and pestered Mom for Hot chocolate. I went off to bed thinking not of the rectangle but probably something a little more to my speed - like who was the better buddy Skipper or Gilligan?

The next morning, heading off to school I stopped short at the end of the driveway. The Rectangle had transformed into a glistening slab of thin ice. I was excited. I remember rushing home from school and digging out my skates only to be stopped by my mom. Yes it was going to be a skating rink but it was going to take some time to build up the ice so it would be safe to use. Bummer.

I can only guess that when my Dad got home from work that night he brought out pail after pail of hot water and threw it across his surface. The man is a saint.

Well I waited.... and waited... and waited. Finally a week later Dad announced that the ice was very solid and smooth and it would be safe to use. I ran to get dressed and put on my skates. I clomped down the driveway and stepped on to the rink for my first glide.

It was utter bliss. Smooth as marble. There was barely a bump or ripple. I skated until my cheeks were ruddy red and I couldn't feel my nose - then I still had to be dragged in by my Mom.

That winter our house was the hub of skating activity. No hockey was allowed because there was little ones on the ice and Dad didn't want too much maintenance on the rink but we had a blast. I was sad to see it melt away in the spring.

He kept this up for 3 more years until I was a teenager and only interested in closing my door and listening to music while talking on the phone. I think he was probably a little bit sad but also a little bit relieved that the momentous chore he had undertaken to please me had moved on.

The picture above inspired this memory. I looked at the rink that had been in some old catalogue and thought it was nothing compared to what I had received. My dad's diligence, love and time. It might not have been the pure quality time because of his crazy winter hours but it was time given with the intent of love.

I know this wasn't my usual sarcastic snip at something today but I can work on that. :)

Marketing Master mind or nut - you tell me.

2008-05-01T20:33:00.002-04:00

I found this on Ebay the other day looking for inspiration.

It was on sale - used for $2.00 off the cover price. So really this is a double used product.

Someone has gone out of their way to collect the regurgitated by product from an Owls stomach, taken a scrupulous look at it and then wrote a book on how to look at this. Genius!

It is pretty gross but when my son was much younger he would have totally thought this was the cats ass.

Supersize this, downsize me.

2008-04-30T06:55:00.000-04:00

Well we are heading into month 5 of the exciting world of downsizing.

Its really starting to grind my gears. Its like that dating show The Bachelor. I would never degrade myself on television or for a man to pick me but the scenario is the same. It seems like there have been several mini dates for the Bachelor - The Director of Talent Management - to get to know some of the different personalities of the organization that he effects. He's been going around the country with his wingmen having mini dates with Managers and Administrators so that he can get a feel for what is the best relationship for the organization.

I've always been the type of person that hey "don't waste my time" if you like me we can click but if we don't gel I'm gone. I'm not a patient person when it comes to my life. I have my pension tied up in this place and 12 years of my time. I've given up playtime and sleep to make my part of the deal hmm along smoothly. Now its a trial cooling off period to see if we still like each other....

Basically I've been in limbo for almost 5 months. I don't even know if I should replace my BBQ right now because they are telling us its 'weeks' now to the big ROSE ceremony. Weeks could still mean months. There are 52 weeks in a year after all. At least there will be no more suffering of the don't ask specific questions we can only give you general answers teleconferences. Those I can gladly do without. So pal never mind the Rose ceremony, just call me up and say its over. I can save the gas money commuting to work. I'm pissed I don't know about my BBQ because I really really like Steak, its up there with cake.

The sad thing is I really believe in what our organization does and I see why we need to streamline and restructure. I feel I play a valuable part in the day to day operations but who knows what the Grand Pubah thinks behind that giant curtain of smoke and mirrors.

Well until I know what is to be my future I am open to suggestions for a career change. I've been mulling over a few ideas myself. I'll save that for another post though.

Kudo's to The Plug

2008-04-29T06:43:00.001-04:00

I just have to give a shout out to fellow blogger The Plug for performing a truly cool social experiment. This Blogger left a camera tied to a park bench and left a note asking people to take some random pictures. The result is very cool and I am actually surprised that people were decent. I was expecting some pretty obscure things but it was nice smiley people, dogs, storefronts. The coolest thing is The Plug was able to get back the camera and share the results with the rest of the Blog world.

I hope someone takes this social experiment a little further. Why not leave a disposable camera in some more obscure places. An aisle at the supermarket, at a known teen hangout, a back alley. Hopefully the plug does some more.

Kudos to those who participated too. It must have been a nice place because the way my mind bends these days I was expecting some down the pants action... but then those 1 hour film places don't really like to develop those either.

Hats off to Brett Michaels

2008-04-28T08:20:00.004-04:00

A while back I wrote a little snippit entitled Accept Your Hot Baldness
I was inspired by Brett Michaels after getting sucked into his little VH-1 show Rock of Love. It was summer, Big Brother was over, and again I think he is hot.

It drove me absolutely nuts though that he would never wear his hair without a bandana, ballcap or cowboy hat. I started to think the poor man was hiding a deep insecurity about his possible balding issues and wanted to make it very clear that being bald for a man is HOT.

Well much to my surprise, there was a season 2 of Rock of Love - Poor Brett didn't find his Rock Diva so back to the drawing board. I watched this time to see again if he would go au natural.

Sure enough he did. In the meet the folks episode he came out without any accessories for his beautiful head and he looked... awesome. So Brett... I doubt you will ever read this but I did think maybe you were bald and thought you should come out and be a very HOT Bald Brett Michaels. Sorry for that. Although I did have fun finding some alternative looks - I gotta admit that.

You are just a gorgeous rockstar any way you are. Keep those soulful ballads coming.

Cheers to Not Baldness

Signs your Mom might be becoming a 'Desperate Housewife'

2008-04-27T07:05:00.002-04:00

So your Dad is a contractor and your mom is a busy stay at home woman about the house kinda girl.

After a few years of blissfully thinking your mom is full filled with well, you... you discover that somethings just aren't adding up.

Company is stopping by today and your mom has been up all night assembling cinder block sugar cubes.

Your bitchin' electronic drum set suddenly has acquired a set of lovely colour coded cozies.

To make matters worse the entire kitchen has been outfitted with cozies.

You might be starting to think your mother needs more than you and the house as a hobby.

I have a good suggestion but wait... if you don't believe me here is some more evidence.

She makes her own swifer because she can do it so much better and cheaper.

Not convinced yet....

This is a little replica of what she has planned for your prom after party theme.

Do the right thing.....

Tell your mother to have an affair - the sooner the better.

Oompah Loompah wannabe's

2008-04-26T07:32:00.000-04:00

I've seen a trend of late out in blog land in on flickr.

It is prom season. Kids are all about their dresses, tuxes, hair, shoes and definitely not about looking pale.

I can only think that some prom preparers and celebrity wannabe's are taking their look from the little Oompah Loompah's from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Johnny Depp version.

Whats a kid to do when celebrities are the first to fall under the Orange one's spell.

Why why why... Tom Jones?

And if the sex bomb is glowing the Donald can't loose face now can he?

So those are the role models for grown men. See what is happening. Its becoming soilent orange.

Senator Kerry.... guilty in tangelino

Where men go the boys are sure to follow.

The women aren't off the hook either.

The other Donald or rather, Donnatella is a trend setter for big purses, big money and sadly big lips it appears. The Orangenista is setting the trend for fake.

Karina Schmirnoff, Dancing of the Stars et. al. Have all dipped in the same vat of over done Orange this spring.

So here are the poor unsuspecting victims of this years prom preparedness:

Honorable Mentions:

Next time use Clarins its a kinder gentler orange and does not streak.

Poor kid.

At least we are no longer baking ourselves in the sun. There is an addiction and its no laughing matter.

Its called tanning dependence and the body gets hooked on IV rays from the sun much like an addict would get their fix from a shot of alcohol or a line of cocaine.

So if you gotta be orange... get it from a bottle... of bronzer.

People will pay anything for art

2008-04-25T08:17:00.002-04:00

I swear I could make a mint off my kids school art work.

I am surfing the web and come across this in a folk art gallery. They wanted $125 dollars for this. Canadian...American same difference right now.

If an adult drew this cudo's to them for making some sucker pay for this. If you want something similar for your walls spend a $125 dollars on art supplies and donate this to a first grade class. You will get a far better quality and variety plus the $125 dollars will be put to good use.

I support art, I am not an artist, my renderings are stick figures and not much more. However I think in a pinch the artist borrowed their child's class assignment. "Draw what you did this weekend."

Timmy inspired by a road trip to the pettying zoo with Mummy and Daddy drew furiously with red and green but didn't have lots of black so used a number 2 pencil instead to draw mummy and daddy.
I'm partial to the 'chickens??" in the right bottom corner.

blah blah

smoking in the girls room

2008-04-24T09:15:00.001-04:00

I am a smoker, I'm not proud of it but there you go.

I was thinking back to the days in high school before homeroom bell would go off. Its 845 and the girls washroom is a blue haze. Teachers rarely entered choosing to pick their battles. Green and purple eyeshadow was reapplied for the 4th time since leaving home that morning, bonnie bell lip gloss swirled on, cigarettes passed back and forth between co-conspirators against the man. Yes it was against the rules, yeah it was a perfectly sunny day with several smoking locations on site but... this one happened to have a mirror and it was the 80s. We were smoking in the girls room.

On any given break on any given day there were at least 50 girls in the bathroom sharing smokes, touching up gloss, hair and purple mascara (again this was the 80s). You were never alone.

Now... there are 3 of us left at work who smoke. We go outside, not daring to break the rules because since there are only 3 of us its easier to point the finger as to who did it. Now the city has passed a law you can't stand near a business doorway. So along the streets in our cold northern ontario town you will see people clustered in 2's and 3's sharing a smoke and warmth. We still know everything thats going on in the building. If you are out of the loop ask a smoker.

Mosquito Coil Chair

2008-04-23T10:46:00.002-04:00

I want something in my decor that will remind my guests of all the good times they've enjoyed at my hunt camp. Can you help me?
(I'm over hearing a conversation a bit one sided here so humor me)

The decoys scream "dust me" so I'll have to pass on that.

The Moose head? No... that would be a nightmare with my cats. Someone would come a sit down in a cozy chair with a nice cup of tea and Fluffy perched on an antler will think she has spotted prey. The tea stains not to mention second degree burns would not make for a repeat visit.

Stuffed Marlin... Hello! I'm on a fresh water lake.

I know what was that thing we used to keep the bugs away. No not the citronella candles.

Oh I know - do you have anything that resembles a Mosquito coil?! It would even be better if you could get the authenticity of the scent.

What, you have one but its unscented. Well one can't have everything.

I actually think this chair is very cool and looks actually quite comfy. It reminds me of the old flying saucer chairs my Grandma had in her sunroom with the big ugly multicolored green flower overlay.

Modern Grandma with a cottage twist.

How to's from HR - coles notes on firing

2008-04-22T10:12:00.000-04:00

I've acquired more space at work to keep valuable files on site. The only downside is that we have to clean the narrow cupboard out. Its hard to discern what is still practical for the organization after 20 years of 'shelving' but we've been making a go of it when our part time girl has some rare free time.

Today I asked her to archive and ship off all the documents from the back area. Many were boxed up already. She took most of the morning studiously boxing, sealing and filling the right forms to head off site. When the records manager learned the contents of the boxes they were sent back. Archival is for documents - not texts, binders etc. This is no fault to our girl - she is fairly new and did exactly what she was told. The fault is me for not checking the boxes myself.

Anyways, we started digging through the boxes and came across a group of booklets published by a little management group company that gives the coles note version on how to's. The one that really caught my eye was "How to Fire Someone".

I was actually surprised to see this tome because our organization rarely fires anyone. We believe in retraining and our recruitment group is pretty snap at getting an keep excellent 'talent'. For the ones that I've rolled out the red carpet for management to fire from pattern Monday Friday back door holidays (I'm cough sick), chronic specialist appointments monthly over years by a very healthy person, not showing up to work, skimming off the top by inflating training hours or end times... sigh - retrain - no firing. There have been lots of warnings over the years - I've skinned by without one but maybe I'm not a textbook coles notes case. So for an organization who does not fire as a first resort - why do we have this little gem.

Skimming through the index for "How to Fire Someone" I came across the section on Page 80 "What to do if they cry"; "What to do if they don't say anything"; and What to say if they get angry."

Believe it or not there is a script for a manager to use and the book makes if very clear to STICK TO THE SCRIPT.

If they cry... be prepared have tissues on hand and give them a minute or two but then "right... get back into it" Okay Juanita I totally understand you are upset but we must move on. Here is your settlement package.... blah blah blah." Pause every time they cry but get on with it.

If they don't say anything they give you options that you might be considering saying in the wall of silence

wave your hand in front of their face to see if they are present
wait them out
give them a few moments of quiet to get over the shock but proceed
bang your fist on the table to get their attention (yes that option was there)
refer to your watch and say we must move on as the next restructured person will arrive in 20 minutes and there is a lot to cover.

There were a few others but I chuckled over the bullets. The tome of course said point three.

Thats as far as I got for today but I had a good laugh. It sounds like just the book that would be used in "The Office" to build morale during downsizing.

The next book I'm going to dig into is "The perfect Performance Review" Yeah those are swell.

Someone left behind the little golden book set of gutless management tools that I am going to have a ball deconstructing.

There just might be a desk drawer drinking game created from this for desktop pundits in the org. Every time the manager quotes "xyz" pull out the drawer and take a swig.

No I do not drink at my office... not yet anyways.

This will make your cat seek revenge

2008-04-21T14:10:00.001-04:00

I have 3 male cats that take a lot of pride in their kingly image. They are a no nonsense bunch of men. They are happy with their food, their drinking fountain, some good cat nip and will occasionally humour us with some silly toys if it is to their benefit.

The don't like crap.

Over the years we have tried to incorporate the outside into their lives but to keep them safe we bought them a collar harness. My big male is a virtual Houdini and can get out of anything and will punish you for the indignity at some point during the darkest hour of the night by a single claw tapping into your head. Its as if he is saying...

Don't ...tap
ever ...tap
do ....tap
that.... tap
AGAIN... tap.

So this collar here I wouldn't even bother - collars are wrong in the eyes of our cats. Not only that, when our cats are definitely purring is when you have them up close and are petting the heck out of them, saying their name and telling them how handsome they are.

I don't need a light up collar to tell me they are enjoying themselves. What a waste of money. The only benefit this collar could be for is I guess if someone had a hearing loss but I am positive they would still feel the vibrations.

This next thing would wage a feline war.

I can only guess that this little outfit must have been inspired by Rather Good's Vahalla featuring Viking kittens.

Cute but you can see by the look in this cats eyes that you are going to experience the wrath of a viking kitten in the not so distant future.

They are also extremely embarrassed for us when we reach a complete low on the costume front.

Grandma was cool if not a bit evil

2008-04-20T00:17:00.000-04:00

I'm coming across a lot of circa 1940-70s merchandise and textiles that scream Grandma. To be clear - they are screaming my Grandma who was a young grandmother (late 40s when I was born).

This may just be a running segment on here.

For example - my Grandmother was a pretty crafty and capable woman. She could sew and knit everything - which she did. She could also design and build houses but thats besides the point she was my grandma... these are some of the things she did to lovetorture me as a kid. Taste is a matter of opinion.

One Canadian Thanksgiving back in the early 1970s my grandmother was wearing an outfit roughly similar to this style. She was like Betty from the Archie comics. She would see something once and sew it from memory.
My mom and Aunt made the big mistake of making a huge fuss over the dress and how much they loved it. Maybe they were being kind and sincere, maybe they were just giving 'oh mom get a life lip service'.

Anyways I think my grandmother got the last laugh because that Christmas all of us women of the family - my mom, my aunt, and unfortunately ME. Got a similar jumper style dress given to us. To make it worse It wasn't the dress that so much jogged this little memory but the material I just came across in a textiles search.

Do you feel sorry for me... a little. Today I would be just as evil as my Grandmother (and by evil I mean God its fun to mess with your loved ones just a little) and I would have handed that jumper down to my daughter. Careful how you kiss ass ladies I think was the lesson.

This pattern was on the seat pads of my grandmothers black formieca kitchen table.
After years of use the vinyl started to break down and if you were wearing your swim suit or short shorts (hello 70's) the cracks would leave a lovely pressed pattern when you got back up.
This pyrex dish set was one of many my grandmother worked with to make pastry for pies, mashed potatoes, mashed squash, etc. Grandma and Thanksgiving meals went together for years.

Sadly this last image reminds me totally of my poor grandpa. Now remember... my Grandma did all the shopping and sewing. Tell me if she wasn't just a little bit of a joker.

Bad Day at Black Rock

2008-04-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

Best Movie line

"You completely wrong. You're completely wrong at the top of your voice."*

Don't you just love Spenser Tracey. What happened next in this scene was the best 1 handed ass kicking in movie history.

Jackie Chan.... wannabe

Jean Claude Van Damme...... poser

Steven Seigal..... okay I can't keep from laughing maniacally at any comparison there.

Spenser Tracey was and is... The Man.

*Movie in reference is Bad Day at Black Rock

Divorced at last! There will be a Mass at 2 pm.

2008-04-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

First of all I'm not getting divorced.

I came across this and got a kick out of the concept.

You've done everything you need to do to drop that 150lb monkey off your back.

Hired a lawyer...... check
Boxed up the crap and had it shipped to insignificant other..... check.
Settled the assets..... check (if by burned their half at a lovely bonfire after the yardsale was complete then yes)
Stocked up on booze for divorce party....check.
Ordered ring coffin for burial....check
Had the plaque engraved for every memorializing that "never again' moment.....check

Mass entails 50 of your closest friends and loved ones supplied with margaritas and dollar store plastic flower lei's.

Burial plot - under the doghouse.

That feeling of satisfaction....priceless.

I support marriage but when they do go wrong, and I mean really wrong - this is a cute way to say good bye.

I got a real kick out of the plaque choices.

I'm quite partial to "Six Feet isn't deep enough!"

All this can be yours for $29.95 GREAT IDEA!

Seinfeld Inspired sleeper

2008-04-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

Remember back to that great episode on Seinfeld where George would sleep under his desk?

I have been tempted a few times at work to do just the same. A nice little nest to have a few zzz's after a carb filled lunch and a looming SAP teleconference in motion.

What keeps me from crawling under... I have to actually pay attention to those SAP dronings and I have no idea how thorough the cleaning lady is when she vacuums at night.

A smart designer has come up with a solution to this problem of not want to nap on the floor at work.

The downside... this deskbed has been provided by management. They intend for you to sleep there. When the floor manager comes by sipping his coffee and saying you can go ahead and come in on Saturday (love the lumburg). They mean it literally. You are now married to your workspace. Your need to go home and blissfully crawl into bed to sleep has been resolved.

Now if you'll excuse me - I have to have to TPS reports done by tomorrow. Anyone seen my sleep mask?

Nightmares before sleeping

2008-04-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

I am thinking there must be a new designer show out there somewhere in tvland entitled "Design to Scare"

Some sadistic parent has written in to the show and has lamented over her 4 year old not cooperating at bed time. Can they help.

This is the after picture. Wait until they reveal this to the child.

Hope they can afford the therapy bills.

Hamster Wheel for shoes

2008-04-15T16:17:00.000-04:00

Well I've been on a bit of a shoe kick lately. I love shoes - I think they are pretty but for the most part the lot of them are impractical.

If I won the lottery I would probably have the same amount of shoes I own now. I can fantasize about Louboutin shoes, Jimmy Choo etc but my feet or my sense of balance rather, would not cooperate.

I get even a mini heel on me and there goes the ankle.

Yes dear readers I am rlhcopper and I am a klutz.

I love the pun on shoe obsessions lately. I adore the Kelly phenomenon going on right now...omg shoes!

I do have to ask though who looked at the hamster wheel one day and decided that would be a good way to store shoes?

Its actually a really great idea but still...

Inventors have amazing minds and I always like to hear the story behind the Eureka! aspect of their discoveries.

Like the 'suction' Dyson guy for the new vacuum out there.... at what point in his day did he feel the need to explore more 'suction'... just wondering.

Very bad birthday gift for OCD sufferer

2008-04-14T16:01:00.003-04:00

Why would anyone want this door chain maze?

I'm all for games but this is crazy. Imagine knocking at the door and hearing just a minute!

scrape

scrape

scrape

scrape

oh crap wrong way...sorry sorry just a minute this stupid lock was a wedding gift.

scrape

scrape

scrape

The door finally opens and surprise its those early Saturday morning booklet people wanting to share the word....

I would have a word for them and the person that gave me this monstrosity.

I am in no means being cruel about someone who suffers for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have a friend who's son suffers from this horribly debilitating condition. Its all about rituals and number of progressions to ensure security. This child who makes sure the door is locked 5 times at exactly 10pm would be in tears.

Its a conversation piece for sure but again... I think a dude created this concept.

Shot to the foot

2008-04-13T15:45:00.001-04:00

Okay all I can say is a guy had to have invented this little gem.

Hmm I'm walking the beach but I really wish I could take a shot of tequila every 100 meters or so...what to do? what to do?

The shoes are a nice concept, I love the colours but I'm going to drink a liquid that steps a little too close to rotting leaves, sand and doggie doo doo - No freaking way!

Tying in with a previous post on airport security does anyone not think this would be a bit of a nightmare at the airport.

Remember a few years back... the terrorist with explosives in the running shoes... this is a bit scary. Someone could walk on a plane in the guise that they are taking a lovely winter vacation and are ready with their sandals and meanwhile they are full of liquid explosives. Scary.
So to all the travelers out there waiting in line at airports - keep an eye out for these shoes.

These shoes definitely...suck!

Playmobile moves into airport security

2008-04-12T15:38:00.004-04:00

Over the years Playmobile has inspired children to be pirates and space travelers. Why stop there...

Encourage children to aim for reality jobs... airport security.

Bobby what do you want to be when you grow up?
I want to be a pirate! That would be cool I could sail all day with my friends and eat with my fingers. I wouldn't have a bed time.

Wendy what you like to be when you grow up?
Well after my mother took away my barbies because they are a terrible representation of natural women. I'm going to be a truck driver.

Johnny sigh... okay little Johnny what do you want to be when you grow up?
Well I wanted to be an astronaut but then my Dad brought home the latest playmobile airport security game and now I want to wand people and snoop through luggage.

Window Lurker

2008-04-06T15:05:00.002-04:00

Talk about misconceptions.

Yesterday I'm at my bedroom window on the second floor of the house petting my cat. He looked so content to be taking in the April sunshine I had to go over and make a fuss over him. So not only am I a crazy cat lady... I'm also at my window.

Now my neighbour across the street who I only know through waves in the morning from her arriving from work at the hospital and myself off to work. That is the nature of our rapport... good morning, lovely weather blah blah blah. Congenial but not personal.

Now here I am poised at my window with one of my cats when she comes out and gets in her car. I'm frozen. I normally do NOT care what people think of me. I am together enough in my own mild craziness that it just doesn't matter but I am struck with the thought... OMG do I stand here and wave because she might have seen me and if I pull away from the window she will think I am strange, do I stand in the window but avoid eye contact and make like I'm looking in the sky (loonie), or do I wait until she backs out and if she sees me... give a little wave (crazy loonie cat lady at the window watching the neighborhood).

Sadly I chose the later and somewhat regret it. As she pulled out she looked up and I raised my hand to do the lazy wave (hey I see you but I'm not flapping my arm like a lunatic) and give a small smile. This smile I sometimes observe can be taken as a smirk (crazy) or like I've tasted something bad. My intent is to be friendly reserved.

Her look was osmewhat taken aback. Like she wasn't expecting me there... and the thought nut might visibly be seen running across her face.

Now I feel the need to seek her out the next time I'm outside doing yard work and she pulls in to explain.

"Hey sorry if it looked like I was crazy waving at you the other day" I didn't want to come off as a snob if you had seen me and I didn't wave.

I mean who cares. I should have indulged the cat and gone about my business.

Call it a weak moment of self consciousness.

Did I mention since our female had 4 kittens we now have 8 cats... yes I am well on my way to becoming the crazy cat lady. My redemption is that I'm not single...

Ponderings from Have you ever

2008-03-29T16:51:00.003-04:00

Someone sent me that never ending have you ever quiz on facebook and I got a little OCD and answered most of the questions. I just wish there could have been space to comment... I live for commenting on crap.

So here goes Have You ever explanations Part 1. Why bore you to tears with all at once...

I have.... made out with a bad kisser.
His name was HG, totally cool guy that I dated in the 11th grade. We all hung out in a group and kinda fell into dating. No chemistry other than he made me laugh all the time, introduced me to some very cool techno music from Germany. I still think of him the minute I hear Da Da Da. We moved apart...ie. the no chemistry thing and remained friends. Through the college years we lost touch but I met up with him and another old very good friend from that group and they were married and had a couple of kids... she taught him how to kiss. Girls love projects.

I have... performed a sexual act while parents are in the next room.
This is an aphrodisiac for my husband at the cottage. Hot stuff even over 30.

I haven't... wished I was a Disney princess.
I always have identified with the villain. Sweet people can tend to make me wish for their demise. I did however think it wI haven't ould be kinda cool to be Mowgli.

I haven't... had a serious relationship with an animal.
Where do these questions come from. I could make national slurrs about goat herders but I refrain. I have had serious platonic long term relationships with my pets. My cats allow me to sleep on their bed, watch their tv as long as its on their terms. Its a reverse co-dependent relationship.

I have...smelt my armpits for BO.
Doesn't everyone do the smell test.

I haven't... gotten mad at the poor grammar on LOL Cats.
Mad is such a strong sentiment. I feel pity at our youth's diction... Dickens they are not but then the pics are pretty darn cute so its more of an eye roll.

I have... fantasized about someone else during sex.
The shoe salesperson, Antonio Banderas but just that one time, anything to get the juices flowing works for me.

I haven't.... fantasized about getting nasty with a FB friend.
Well that is a bit of a fib. Some of my old male friends on there were at one time old crushes that turned into great friendships instead (thank goodness because I don't keep exes in the picture once something is done... they are ex for a reason.).

I haven't.... mooned someone.
However being stupid teenagers at one time or another a male friend would offer up his fullmoon in a drunken bid to be funny and I had my trusty Kodak disc camera handy. I have two such photos that I really should pass along to their owners. I mean really what do I need them for... blackmail, surely not..... The downside to this is having your 12 year old daughter bring one of these carefully stashed photos out into plain view and ask why one has a photo of someone in that state who is not Daddy. Luckily the picture does not have the friends face in view because she knows the person. That would be tense... embarrassing and well amusing.

I havent' ....wanted this tongue.
Why when creating these questions would someone do this. Its not Gene Simmons tongue theirfore I do not want that other tongue and really lets face it. I don't want 'that' tongue, I just want it used on me.

I haven't... made out with my own fist???
What the...! Are people actually serious. I guess if you want some eye balls and lips like you did in highschool to amuse your friends there is a possibility to go a bit to far but really. Kids these days.

I have... had a crushon/dated a nerd.
I married him.

Moonie

2008-01-23T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well I went out to the car this morning to clean it off at a lovely -28C not including the biting wind and got a beautiful eyeful of the Full Moon heading towards the horizon. Breath taking - except for the fact that it was freaking cold. I could NOT feel my nose by the time I was done scrapping the super charge layer of ice that attaches its self in tiny layers to the warm window as the air is cooling. My trunk is frozen shut - no idea if we got all the groceries out last night but its not like they are going to go bad.

Can't wait for spring.

Full moon also explains the 12 year olds incredibly 'bitchiness' the last few days - she was a moon baby herself but man gritting my teeth is getting old.

Laptop Death by cat

2008-01-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

So the latest victim in my cat's shenanigans is none other than my biggest escapist device - my laptop. I'm so in withdrawals.

Not only has it put a crimp on my ability to keep up with friends and family with emails but my downloading tv addiction and blogging has been seriously hindered.

How it happened?

Mostly my fault. I have this beautiful bevelled mirror in my room that I finally got tired of waiting for my husband to secure to the wall so I put it up on my dreser at a slight angle so I can have my own space to get ready in the morning. Our 12 year old daughter has taken over the bathroom for the better part of the morning rush and really - its all about me. So mirror is up and all is set up and securing the mirror has been put on the back burner. Hubby thinks I'm happy - I'm satisfied with the present condition of things so wel...

The mirror also happens to lean slightly against the window sill. Our tiniest cat, our female is a little out of sorts because the two boys have been fixed in the last month and have no use for her. She plays in the window and watches all the chickadees in the tree - sure great scene. Only she nudges the mirror....

My laptop had been left on in the night because I'm listening to a book on tape to fall asleep. I moved it to my vanity chair in the morning to let certain Brit shows that are way better than the reruns here trickle in - (shout to Network execs - give those terrrific writers a deal!!!!).

When I get home at 430 I went upstairs to get out of boring office woman clothes to work on some art and the scene I was faced with brought a few tears. My mirror was down on the ground - thankfully because the glass is so heavy or my Irish Grandmother has put major juju on me to keep more bad luck away - regardless it is safe. My laptop however did not survive.

The mirror hit the screen. The screen has a huge crack in it. The machine runs fine but the screen has the black fillement spread over most of the screen. I am lost. We have regular PC's in the house but I write where I live and when we got my lapt top two years ago I let my computer go into my sons space - not a space a grown woman is comfy in to hang out and blog and surf - its too 19 year old boy who works hard and lets things lie here they are - if I spend too much time in there I clean. We have a deal - he doesn't leave food in the room - I don't mess with his stuff because he knows where everything is. This has worked fine for us... I really can't bring myself to invade his space - withdrawals aside.

I have been shopping on Dell for good deals and I'm waiting to see the Feb madness sales (please please please).

In the mean time... does anyone know a way to get the black stuff away from my screen? I think its finished.

So the only place I can really read my email right now is at work and I have the type of job that is high energy and busy all day long - crisis comes up at the minute - time to play is limited - I envy IT people (namely my husband) who have the time to play. So the entries will be quick, messy and not so often until I upgrade. I hope people who come across my blog continue to read. I've really been enjoying myself - I keep my camera ready for that Bush pig truck. That can't be a one time sight - and its too weird not to share.
Rlh

Zero inspired Trump

2008-01-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

I was watching the original "The Producers" a few days ago and it hit me with an Oprah 'A-ha!'

Donald Trump is modeling his 'do' from Zero Mostel.

Want proof?

Writers Block Generate gone off the deepend

2008-01-02T13:48:00.000-05:00

I could not believe my eyes.

I had to share this image with you because if I didn't drag this of my igoogle page and share it - you would have a hard time believing its true.

I can't make this stuff up but two things that never should be in the same sentence together were suggested for solving writers block issues.... I think not.

British Mystery more detailed.

2008-01-01T23:09:00.000-05:00

I have only watched the British Mysteries that have been spoon-fed to me over the years by the Canadian Broadcasting Corp and a great channel called TVOntario (all Educational for the kids but great shows and movies at night for the rents).

My favorite without a doubt is Inspector Frost- he's a crotchety Inspector that usually investigates against the rules but gets away with it. I love it. This is still pretty current in the UK but I usually am about a year behind by the time TVO buys the series.

Poirot is very good too. He is based on Agatha Christies Books but David Suchet does such a great job of being classy and the sets with all the art deco from that period (I'm guessing late 1920s) is gorgeous. He's got an assistant who's obviously in love with him (a little james bond tension) but he's quite oblivious. Love it!

Rosemary and Thyme is a great guilty pleasure - two confident ladies in their early 50s have their own horticultural business but always seem to end up coming across dead bodies as their tossing compost or picking perennials. The show is parochial but doesn't give too much away.

This is definitely in repeat but I love him and think he's quite sexy - Midsommer Murders. This man is an inspector again in middle UK so you get the lovely UK scenery, old churches, gardens castles etc. Some old school master upsets the wrong person at a reunion and the Inspector is back to work - the poor man never gets a vacation.

Inspector Morse was great too - nice car, 1960s England. The man is suave but not in a smarmy way. Can't recall much about the show other than it was entertaining at the time.

A little bit more current and very gritty and very much opposing the mans world of crime is Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect. She is fantastic in this. She will be taking on the role of Nick Cages mom in the latest National Treasure movie but her best work is in this little gem of a show. I wonder if it is still in the works.

Also following along the lines of grit but heart is Rebus - an man of many faults but likable and on the side of justice - You have to see it with John Hannah (the idiot brother in The Mummy).

I hope you've had a chance to see these. If not I highly recommend hunting them down.

I love Miss Marple too but the original black and white over the later actresses.

These are the ones that really stand out to me at the moment.

At this point in a response to Attila the Mom I told her I would be copying this email to her to be the basis of my blog. I am sure that someone else can review these shows in much better detail than I but these are the Brit shows near and dear in my heart in the Mystery Genre.

In the drama Genre hands down right now it has to be Heartbeat.

Brit Mysteries are Delicious

2008-01-01T03:59:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more feel good to me than watching a British Mystery. Watching Rosemary and Thyme is like curling up in comfy flannel pjs and a cup of hot chocolate.

Delights!

Goodbye 2007

2007-12-31T23:13:00.000-05:00

Well as my last post of 2007 I have to say its been interesting.

At the beginning of 2007 I helped move one of my dearest friends across the province and said good-bye to a childhood friend taken way too young.

I spent more time online and came across facebook quite cynically. It actually has turned out to be a great reconnection of some old friendships from the past as well as some strengthening of co-workers, neighbourhood and likeminded people. The best part of the year was getting the encouragement I needed to get the nerve to start blogging. I have wanted to write since I was in grade 4. On a trip out east I actually wrote a book about a boy I really liked in 1981. I used to write when I was happy, when I was sad. ETC. I lost the time and the will.

I'm getting my groove back. I have no idea if anyone is even reading but like my turn at college radio in the 90s there might have been 4 people listening to my show. It was a place to experiment and find out what I like. I was surprised to find my show actually had a following, who knows if I get that.

I was inspired two years ago by Augustin Burroughs Magical Thinking. He writes just like I think he talks - which is exactly how I have slipped into in the past few years - and that is actually very cool.

One last tidbit for the 2007 - I'm watching NewYears by Niagra Falls and my beloved Denis Dejong from Styx looks more like Tony Bennet and yes he is wearing a toupee - however if I close my eyes... he sounds exactly like I loved in grade 7 when Mr. Roboto kicked ass.

Christmas Concert Survival Tips

2007-12-24T13:45:00.000-05:00

I finally got it right this year.

My son is almost 19 and we have another child in middle school so we are old hands at the seasonal - cram the gymnasium festivities.

Its only this year that I feel that I finally have a failsafe system.
It involves letting your child know ahead of time that you are leaving as soon as they are done. If they can safely walk home and want to stay - yeah!

Arrive early, bring water, cellphone, ipod and smelling salts or vicks. I admit to forgetting the vicks this year and regret it. More on the vicks after.
Find seat second or third row back, aisle seat is optimal. Take off coat, get comfortable that space is going to roast once the bodies start pressing in. I like the aisle seat because you can adjust your space out a bit.
Get programme to find out where child is and when to best leave. The other classes worked very hard I know but I've seen it, done it and your grandparents are there to watch you, so you don't need me.
Apply MP3Player. The nice thing about having longer hair this year is that I can hide the earphones and wires but for those that sensed my innerpeace waiting for my child to appear - they were envious.
Have cellphone ready for textmessages to spouse about how its their turn next year and you might let them in on your new strategy.

I guess I should have mentioned I did this year alone since my better half had a teaching commitment - no really he did :)

Have vicks or scented dryersheet at the ready to black out other people smells.

Why is it people think its acceptable to deepfry in an unventilated kitchen in the winter and then go out shortly after.

Au du fish sticks and french fries is nasty.

It could have been worse though, it could have been: year old wino, pee pant smell, roll sweat, or cigar breath. I was lucky but still regreted not having something to save my nose besides popping double amounts of breath mints in my mouth.

It did got relatively well. I saw my daughter play trumpet first thing for Band and her class sang the Zamboni song which was cute. Plus I won't be scroogy and not mention how adorable the Jr & Sr Kindergardens always are.

I may be a bit scroogy but Christmas Concerts - been there, done that. Everyone has to do their time but why not do it with some comforts.

In the years past we always arrived close to start time, stood at the back of the gym, jammed in like sardines, where smells totally intermingled and not nicely. Parents seemed to send their hyper kids to the back fo the gym to annoy us. It was a like an unwritten rule.

Well I broke the code, survived and enjoyed.

Merry Christmas to all.

My people observations will follow at a later date - you get all kinds.

Bush Pig

2007-12-21T23:07:00.000-05:00

So here's the scene this morning. Its crisp yet beautiful this morning. The snow had finally stopped falling, the roads were clear, there was a hint that there might even be some sun later in the day. My husband and I leave the house this morning like every other week day morning. Rushed, forgetting something but once we're on our way the going is good. We were almost out of our little Burb and entering the city when the most jaw dropping image passes me by. Its not very often I do double takes but that is exactly what I did this morning.

I tried to get my husband to catch back up to this vehicle in the other lane but as always when I see something, or someone he goes into slowdown mode. This usually applies to me wanting to wave like a loonie to someone driving by or stopping to check out something interesting put out to the curb* Needless to say I didn't get the picture to share here this evening.

Allow me to describe this for you without pictorial proof.

Black Chev truck, older model, oversize tires, jacked up a little more than necessary but by no means a monster.

Paint job actually looks like it had been painted black with a roller and then sprayed with a clear gloss paint.

The windows are tinted illegal black at the sides and back

There is a huge over sized white Chev logo on the back window.

There is a mural.

Sure you see murals all the time you think, big deal. Okay picture this:

The truck drives by and I get a nice eyeful on the tail gate.

First I see BUSH PIG........ this would be on the far right of the tail gate.
Then my eyes are drawn to the centre of the tail gate.
A blonde woman with long locks, big red lips and two big blue stars for nipple covers.

It was huge. I was not prepared for this image on the day predicted by economists to be the biggest shopping day of the Christmas season.
My head was actually reeling with the thought process that must have gone into this truck. I was half expecting to see names on the sides of the truck for 'his' and 'hers'.

The mural was surely unique. "Bush Pig" was painted like an after thought in rough brush strokes - yep brush strokes. The female with boob weaponry was painted with acrylics or something along those lines.

It was definitely 'folk' art.

I decided maybe there is more to the story of Bush Pig. I thought it was a little pig in South America but how wrong I was. It amazing what leads you to learn new things these days.

Of course I used my favorite search engine - Google to look up just what a Bush Pig is in todays lingo.

1. It is a little pig from parts of the Continent of Africa.

2. Near the top of the google search is the urban dictionary.

There were a few descriptions "extremely ugly, bitch with a face like a smashed crab" It goes one but I'll let those interested further their education by following the link. Its not flattering. I don't think the Muralist was going for that. In the Urban dictionary there are several derogatory terms for bush pig but there is also ONE definition of a really hot chick. This must be the thought process of the truck owner..... I just don't know.

3. Also in Google ANVIL has a song entitled Bush Pig. I've heard of Anvil but I'm not familiar with the lyrics. The lyrics have been removed for copyright reasons but I am pretty sure that it wasn't going to paint a woman in a very flattering image.

4. There is a group of Jeep, mud boggers in Central Ontario called Bush Pigs. They have 4x4's and get dirty. That actually looked like fun but these vehicles were all Jeep products so unless the Chev is having an identity crisis or wants to be part of the cool Bush Pig gang I don't think that this is what they were going for.

5. Some kind of fishing bait

6. A cross between a dirt bike and a skate board - actually looks kinda fun.

I assure you if I ever see this truck again I will snap a picture and if given the opportunity I will ask "why.... the mural" It could be a real Barbara Walters moment. Who knows.

I was thinking about the reactions of this persons friends when 'Carl' pulls up in his new truck.

Gee Carl, I'm sure glad you bought a truck. I was wondering how I was going to pick up some cords of wood at my in laws. Check out the back, why? On second thought I'll rent a truck Carl. I'd hate to scratch up that truck.

Teenage girl. Dad! "Do you really have to drop me off in front of the school!? I promise on my favorite pair of shoes, I will clean my room when I get home and clean the house,... and mow the lawn. Just please drop me a block away. I'll never be late again and ask you to drive me to school."

I could be assuming all wrong.

BUSH PIG might not be owned by a man at all.

I pray that this is the counter revolution to the Cougars..

Cougars - successful, sexy women over 40. Independent and really enjoys younger men's company.

Bush Pig - I work at McDonalds. I've got most of my teeth and I'll flash my tits at you in the drive-thru if you honk three times.

Shudder.

*There is no shame in that.

Picture games

2007-12-19T01:37:00.000-05:00

There is something wrong with this picture....~

~the hood is up and no one is around??? Very unusual circumstances.

Bean there done that

2007-12-18T08:00:00.000-05:00

This has to be one of the funniest skits of the holidays.

(Enter your Diety here) Bless Rowan Atkinson.

Pop Q my ass.

2007-12-17T17:01:00.000-05:00

Today as I lay on my couch recuperating from the terrible after affects of an office shared flu, I got a taste of daytime television. No not the soaps. I prefer a certain popular British soap that doesn't drag their story lines on for longer than a few months. American Daytime soaps can kill someone off 'technically' and drag the mystery out for years - yawn Stephano (enter other Villan here).

No this daytime extravaganza (since I don't have cable) was a show on CHCH or "E" Network out of Hamilton that airs country wide - Pop Q.

The scenario seems lively enough. Two, 30 something metrosexuals, gender distributed; had a lovely banter going on in between telling people to call in so they can call them back or text at a low cost of $2.00 and if that call or text was the 10th, they'd call you back.

So how many people just spent $20.00 and didn't get a call.

Think about it - Advertising isn't going to matter too much longer - just ask the folks at home their opinion and the response is instant with cash as well - its kind of evil genius and I wish I had thought about it.

No more shilling out to the likes of adult diapers, denture whitners and pet insurance during the daytime. Time will tell - remember no one was dumb enough in the 80s to pay for water unless you wanted to look pretentious with Perrier....

Back to my point, though the show is an HOUR long and they take one call between commerical breaks up to the last 5 minutes where they blitz. So...... instead of watching people across the country suck at game questions....... we get banter or what I like to call air fluff. Thats a funny shirt you are wearing - oh not as funny as the one I borrowed from you last week hahaha - Robots. The guy was seriously peacocking though with his belt buckle bling and yellow tuxedo shirt, metrosexual designer frames and spiky hair. Kinda cute but yawn again. The other host well.... she was... forgettable.

What was the most irksome was the quiz itself - Name the Top Christmas Specials of all time. You would think this was easy - NOT! First of all I don't know who they surveyed but really these people haven't watched much tv or they haven't watched tv before 2005 - they should have gone to family feud survey veterans.

Canucks were calling in with definitive classics such as Miracle on 32nd street (or is it 34th), The Grinch who stole Christmas, White Christmas, A Christmas Story(the best BTW), Its a Wonderful Life - WRONG!

See where I'm going with this... so finally the lowest scoring questions are found with several duh do - hints. Rudolph, Frosty and Santa Clause is Coming to Town????. Even more irksome - they finished the show without broadcasting the other questions. 10 shows out there and the above mentioned are not on this list - what is left. I googled the show to find the answers to what backwater town was surveyed and no such luck.

I can't beleive I wasted an hour of my day watching this but more so - I can't believe people tune in daily and run up their phone bills trying to get on to this show to win big jackpots of $100, $250 and $500. Its kinda like my regional Northern Ontario's longest running show - Big Money TV Bingo - that actually has more action then POPQ, you go to the store - you buy the bingo cards anywhere in the CTV region, you wait for Saturday at 630 (don't pee yourself with excitement and/or adult diapers) and you play for the entire 1/2 hour. There is a bit of chat in the way of community announcements but if there were to be 2 hosts on the show the bingo players would be irritated and revolt - its about the game bucko (thanks Happy Days) not you not so successful host that you are stuck here on a Saturday evening. I'm nasty - but I speak the truth as I see it.

Speaking of which Frosty the Snowman is on the CBC on Wednesday.

The Schwimmer

2007-12-15T02:44:00.000-05:00

Talk about misconceptions. I was flicking through late night tv on the few channels we have and came across Burt Lancaster looking buff in swimming trunks and an obvious toupe frolicking with his ex- babysitter around a pool and onward to some snobby party before ending up in a horse corral pretending he was a horse??? I was rolling my eyes the entire time and since there was nothing else on, I stuck with it.

Well after the girls reaction to him and some of the other people he encounters shortly after I clued in that this wasn't beach blanket bingo. Having no way to find out the title of the movie until the end I waited, was intrigued by the ending and went in search of what I could find out about this movie. Oh and just for fun a 'young' Joan Rivers has a bit part in this movie. As a natural looking woman she is quite lovely - what she has done to herself in self mutilation and loathing over the years to appear youthful is very sad.

The Swimmer is a short story by John Cheever who was published in The New Yorker. The movie followed in 1968. A delusional Narcissistic man spends the day swimming across his valley and as the day progresses the illusion falters. A bit cheesy but actually a compelling story. I actually think this movie/story is worth a remake with a modern take. I don't want to give too much away but this is worth a second glance.

My first thought with Burt 'Neddy' frolicking in the meadow with his ex baby sitter was pathetic dirty old man - he doesn't see it that way. He see's himself as a god. I turned to my husband who was half asleep beside me and said that is exactly why we didn't have sitters when the kids were younger - I was joking of course... well kinda.

If you think about it though. Burt Lancaster was fantastically in his prime. The man was born in 1919 and was lean and buff and tanned in 1968 - for an old dude he was hot.

Out of Ideas for Christmas shopping.

2007-12-11T14:02:00.000-05:00

Idea Generator

http://www.tdbspecialprojects.com/

I can't make this up on my own. Want something unusual for the folks who have everything? Why its gifts and services for the budding entrepreneur.

funny inflatable garden
salty carpets
comedic candy machine
eco-friendly flying furniture
expensive foam event
erotic paper art
hot handcrafted opera
inexpensive levitating hotel.

I could go on and on - more on this later.

That 'feel good' Restructure Speech

2007-12-07T12:23:00.000-05:00

Well loads of fun for us. Monday my co-workers and I were all ushered into the boardroom for a National teleconference. This is not an uncommon event but it was odd that some not all staff were included.

Since I started in my vocation that pays the bills 7 some years ago I have seen the organization and the departments 'transform' several times. Its metamorphasis PART 'xyz' this time.

The Powers that be, I guess had to expense a trip to someplace warm together and while there decided to merge two departments that really have nothing to do with each other. Oh and this is such a great stretch for the organization, such exciting times because... gosh all our jobs are being reviewed.

Am I worried - sorta. Do I know what is going to happen - not a clue. My job is pretty specialized by that means NOTHING. I am smart but there are definitely some things monkeys can do.

The next 3 months are going to be very interesting. Not just structurally what will happen in the organization but the whole departmental gelling of staff. I can see post - Dynasty Crystal and Alexis cat fights, back stabbing and well the usual gossip. I am not above listening and taking it in because it could prove good fodder for examination at a later date.

This might be just the opportunity to jump start my career of 'something' else. I'm not going to sweat it out. Shoulda, woulda, coulda just doesn't work for me. I'll go with the flow and if the flow says move on out... I'll take my package and figure out the rest later.
I'm more concerned that I have less than 17 days to figure out how to keep my kittens (3) from destroying the tree, keep my father's dog away from the kittens, Christmas shop because I have nothing!!!!! and plan dinner - that makes me more crazy and anxious than any job uncertainty.

Why... I'm certain Christmas will be chaos and I'm not certain about anything further than that so why drive myself insane. Downsizing, Khizan, etc is all part of the global structure but opportunity can be made.

Yes this is another way to avoid thinking about Christmas.

Discovered how Bureacrats are reared

2007-11-29T16:08:00.000-05:00

We have been making the social teas of late. Those lovely Christmas Teas and craft sales with the baked goods, the penny tables and raffles, raffles and more raffles. Truth be told my husband is the one leading the way. It seems there is a pipeline amongst the men in my community as to which Teas have the best "tool" - you know 'good stuff' draws.

The latest one we attended was the Cubscout and Beaver Tea. The price was right $3.00 each to get in with delicious baked breads (for the most part) and all you can drink half cups of coffee so the little ones don't spill themselves. The penny tables were full of gift certificates for Hardware, oil changes, pizza's, and pierogies - again 'the good stuff'. The handcrafts for sale were little birdhouses shaped like moose and toilet paper roll holders shaped like dogs and cats. Just all round kitch and cute.

My husband hankering for another 'half' cup of coffee also asked if he could get some more dessert breads and handed the young Beaver of Canada the plate and the little boy's response was priceless and telling.

Earnestly he looked at my husband with his big brown eyes, blue and and brown gilligan cap and said oh no Beavers don't clear the tables, Scouts clear tables. Let me get a scout. He scampers off and a scout shows up to whisk away the plate.

I guess they have to start them young but it reminded me of some of the silly workplace scenarios where you call one department and they say they don't do that - the logic is there that they 'should' do that but they have farmed that particular product or duty out. I guess preparing children at ages 5 to 7 for the realities of a globalized market is fair but do we really have to start them so young.

I wouldn't mind departmentalizing myself sometimes. Oh I am sorry, you would be wanting the chauffeur to drive you to the mall. What you need your favorite pair of jeans washed - well its the maids day off - its in her contract. Well the bus boy must be fired because these plates aren't going to walk from the table to the dishwasher by themselves. Interesting how you can be jack of all trades at home but departmentalized and jack shit help to the working public.

All kidding aside, get out there and support those social teas going on in your community. Taking a bead check on who was attending its not your grandmother's affair anymore with knit toilet paper cozies and pot holders. Its a young 30 to 50 something set, kids willing in tow - teenagers too grudgingly in all appearances but scarfing down the goodies all the same. The penny tables have your trashy Christmas knick knacks that you throw a few tickets in for a joke and win but they also have home appliances, tools, services. Its pretty great. If you do see some blue haired ladies there though, watch out because they are the pros of the teas. They have no problem scooting in front of you to plunk their tickets in and they seem to strategize just how many 'waves' of tickets to by. One sweet little thing in her early 80s said the trick was to buy tickets in three sets. Right at the beginning, in the middle and near the end just before the draw goes. It spreads the luck out. She walked away with the Home Hardware giftcertificates, Dinner for Two at The Keg and a nice toaster oven.

If life were only that simple.

Goodbye Santa

2007-11-22T15:07:00.000-05:00

I still buy completely into the possibility that my 12 year old believes in Santa.

Yes its a little niave on my part but everyone plays along and it makes Christmas magical - but does she really believe.

Two years ago I knew for sure she believed in Santa Clause which for a 10 year old I had to pat myself on the back as a parent that I had been pretty slick at carrying on the illusion for that long. Years of making tracks from snow skis in the snow, nibbled carrots tossed in the front driveway of my parents, a vivid red and white ski sock left behind that Santa must have left by the fire to dry off, a torn piece of Santa's suit left in the upstairs firegrate. If you think about it Santa was pretty careless by the time he got to our place each year - must have been the rum spiced eggnogg.
As I said I knew for sure my daughter believed two years ago because we were sitting down to dinner three weeks before Christmas and she had brought her 'friend' A.B. along with her to warm up and have some soup since they had been building a snowboard jump all afternoon. Somehow Santa came up and A.B. states matter of factly "Oh there is no such thing as Santa. My parents buy the gifts and they play Santa." I wanted to quietly reach across the table and throttle the smug little puke but when I saw our Daughter's big eyes look at me for reassurance that his parents were nuts, he was daft... something I said what I had told my eldest years before and what my parents had told me....

"As long as you believe in Santa he will continue to come. Once the older kids in the house stop believing in the magic then yes parents have to continue along the illusion for that child so that cousins, younger siblings and friends continue to believe." A.B. said that was Bullshit. I told him to shut up. I'm usually such a nice mother but this kid was pissing me off.

That Christmas we took extra special effort to ensure Santa could land at my parents house. After landing on the roof this time (the logistics of skiing on a roof are not for the faint hearted), to raindeer poop (my Dad's dog went out on the deck, so we just added to the illusion), nibbled carrots, a boot print in the fireplace soot and a letter written in Santa's special text that thanked our Daughter for believing in the magic and importance of Christmas still. Family and sharing were the most important aspects. Children that no longer believed in him, which he was sad about but understood, could still carry on the magic of Christmas by doing good deeds for elderly neighbours and people living with less. She bought it.

There was no mention really last year and she's pretty quiet this year about it. If she 'believes' until she goes away to school that is just fine with me.

Accept you hot baldness

2007-11-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

No the title is not leading into dirty strains.

I'm talking about men out there. Women find bald men hot. Women find men hiding or running from being bald and hot - NOT!

Take Brett Michaels. There was a lot of talk about what Brett was hiding under his hat this summer during his quest for "love" during VH1's Rock of Love.
Here is a gorgeous, and yes talented man who hides behind hats and bandana's. He's got the rocker look for sure. However he doesn't put it out there for all to see.

The burning question for many is.... 'Just what is under Brett's hat?"

I took this burning question and went to the NET, thanks to Google images, for my quest for alternatives to Brett's current look.

The swashbuckler's look doesn't just have to be for Captain Jack Sparrow. A bit of Color and well thats it. I think Brett or any aging HOT (yes hot but in need of help) rocker would appreciate the peacocking of beads to get the ladies attention. Just a thought but.... Do you think the members of Warrant now shake their heads in shame and shudder a little about "She's only 17..."

Just add a jaunty bandana and its off to the screaming crowds for autographs and beer (of which order is totally up to the aging rocker.)
I think Axel Rose would be more comfortable with this look but you know Brett could probably put him to shame. The nice thing about this little number is the hair and bandana come as a 'onsie' for easy application.

If the 70s pornstar, Welcome Back Carter, or Barney Miller look makes a come back the aging rockstar will be ready with this Borat influenced rendition. Pornstach can be grown for more authenticity.

Willie is busy helping out good pal Owen Wilson right now but he's always ready to help a farmer, so why not an aging rockstar. When (enter aging rockstar name here) is doing the single senior dwelling park club tours in a few years, he can keep his 'do' tidy with this ready made Golden locks a braided look. Thanks for taking that off my mind.

Joking aside. Bald is beautiful. If Brett does have something he's not sharing with the world that is his business. Women love him. The fans love him.

I just prefer this .....

as hot.

Well,.....
.....there are some exceptions I guess.

Preparation for Rerun Hell

2007-11-15T18:05:00.000-05:00

I'm sure the message boards are overloaded right now with network viewers lamenting the loss of current seasons of Ugly Betty, Men in Trees, Lost, Battlestar etc. I feel for them I really do. I support the wobblies right to strike but it also makes me have to decide what I'm going to do to entertain myself as the dark days of November creep onward into Christmas reruns of Charlie Brown and A Christmas Story - which is totally cool.

Will Reality shows stay on? Will more planned for later this year get moved in early and bump out strongholds such as House, Chuck and CSI? Do we care?

At the mention of the writers strike et al, I didn't really pay too much concern. I wasn't going to be attending a broadway show but then it hit this morning when checking my hotmail, Greys Anatomy and Lost aren't producing anymore shows until the strike is over... oh no! What will people do.

Families might actually have to buy more boardgames to have family game night more often - what a tragedy... Video rentals will shoot through the roof, TIVO will get stocked up, downloading shows from across the pond or across the border (bless the CBC) may pick up. Books might get opened. Chaos will ensue. Spouses might realize they like each other afterall.

Could the writers be taking a chance? Remember the NHL lockout? Did anyone care except for the owners and the players. An entire season went by and people survived and found other things to do. I quite enjoyed the Movie Night in Canada over Hockey Night in Canada. Maybe the networks will dig out some good old shows out of the vault to play other than Seinfeld and Law and Order. With the variety of things to do online will the writers have some leverage? I support them, really I do. Sometimes when you are getting the shaft collectively you just have to stand up and say "I'm pissed off and I'm not taking it anymore...." um cudos to the writer who came up with that amazing line. Support your writers. Even if you don't care because you are a reality junkie or knee deep in naked elves in Warcraft (I have no idea if there are elves in Warcraft - just a guess) give the networks a nudge. Without public pressure for networks to get back to the bargaining table - we could be stuck with Gilligan.

For now:

Dust off your boardgames
Renew your library membership (they have seasons of shows you haven't watched in dvd)
or omg... go outside and play.

Or better write a blog or an email instead of pressing FW: all the time.

Cheers for now.

Blog Virgin

2007-11-14T19:56:00.000-05:00

I've been meaning to do this for ages. I've been lurking on other blogs or brilliantly summarizing something hilarious (to me) while drawing up spreadsheets but somehow always had an excuse ready as to why I'm not writing...

You know those ones - I'm tired; I'm at work and not in IT (a dig to my husband); the kids need something done; the house needs enter 'x,y, or z'; I'm tired; I'm facebooking (thats right add ing to anything and its a verb); I'm...

Well you can see in a nutshell I've broken the blog cherry today. Its just a matter of how often will those excuses win.

Its going to take a bit to figure out the quirks of this page. It has been ages since I've used HTML format (is that still used???), but I'm game to start. For years I had another love on the web and it sits idle mainly because it got boring for me. Other interests cropped up like learning how to crochet funny shapped blankets and hit and miss gardening in Northern Ontario. If you are interested in looking up some old 80s lyrics feel free to google my old website zelsparkbench or Zels80s lyrics because I can't even remember the exact address and I'm afraid if I go look it up I'll get side tracked and this blog will not get posted :)

Anywho, I warn you now people say I write like I talk. I'm not a grammatical genius and this isn't the page for inspiring prose but I do promise my brand of humour, my quirks and faults laid bare for all to see. Rlhcopper is ready to be exposed.